Dead I am.

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When I try to absorb inside me, the warmth of this beautiful sunshine, I feel nostalgic. Putting “The alchemist” upside down half opened on my neck, I lay down on this big sofa in my sitting room and close my eyes while the sun rays caress my face and take me back to the winters of Pakistan. ThreeΒ  months of winter were a real treat after nine whole months of summer. Laying lazily outside beneath sun was my favorite hobby back then as well.

I love winters.

And I love reading books. And I love going out alone, walking by the streets or at sea front. I love going gym and trying aerobics, cardio and weights as well. And cooking… I love it too.

If I can go whenever I want, to a nearby library and browse through books for hours while forgetting completely about everything happening around, feeling a beautiful emotion running through my blood vessels after grabbing a book in my hand to take home…

If I can go to gym daily in the morning and enjoy working out different schemes in different days, sweating out smelling bad but still feel awesome…

If I can take long walks by the seaside with hands tucked in pockets and stare at the sea sitting at my favorite peaceful spot and listen to the whispers of water and winds….

If I can cook anything from curries,rice,steaks,soups,pastas to cakes and brownies… anytime I feel like giving myself a treat…

Then, Why am I still not SATISFIED with my life ? What is it that feels missing, what is this silence that seems to be a permanent part of my soul ?

I am happy. My life is almost the same everyday, but I am happy with what I got. I don’t have any wishes at this point in life. I don’t dream for anything at all. There are no particular regrets left to haunt, no broken dreams to pinch my heart, no fresh wounds dripping blood.

Then what is the reason that I feel empty? I am struggling to take one step forward at this point of my life, whether it is about knowledge or love or spirituality… There is a strong desire in my heart to push myself forward, to do something but It seems like I am stuck at this point and some force is pulling me backwards to stop me from taking a step forward.

The irony is, I don’t know where to put my foot after taking this forward step. I don’t know what exactly to do with my life.

Why? Because I didn’t struggle back then for my destiny and let myself go with the flow ? (Paulo Coelho)

Whatever it is, They say that if your life is same everyday, then you are already dead. You just don’t realize it.

Maybe that’s the case.

May be I AM dead.

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Dead I am.

  1. You are not alone in it. But that doesn’t justify for you being in such situation. Sometimes we feel this way but there is always another way. You just got to get up and make a choice. Create something new. Irritate your life. Create a ripple or something. We all need a change maybe that will help.
    You hold the key to your happiness. Wish you luck

  2. Well.. time flies in the midst of several hundred thousand words.. and that’s what i’ve been up to.. since the 6th of last month..

    You haven’t been here for two months now.. but at least i know you are alive and probably well.. as you come back long enough to approve that one ping back of mine down tHere…

    Yeah.. i don’t miss either the small or big pictures of life anymore… and sometimes that can be hard..
    as well.. it can hurt to know too much.. as well as little or less..

    You write so lovely.. and i still pray for you and hope you write again.. as you make a difference here
    to many folks.. who follow along with your heart.. in words..:)

    But alas.. I write a little bit when i am young.. and never come back to it.. until decades later.. and who knows by the time you come back later.. perhaps after kids are grown.. and affairs are in order or not.. you will come again then.. after i for one.. am long gone dead.. with a billion words or so.. left behind.. by then..haha!..:)

    And then if you have time.. you can get to know me again.. as who knows who i will be.. before this
    life of mind is gone.. or after.. perhaps.. in words online..:)

    But anyway.. at least for me.. friends are forever..

    the greaTEST lesson of life

    is to keep giving love

    no matter

    what.

    • Seriously, today, your message filled my heart with tears, You still remember me, my blog, my writings. Why > How can you do that ? You are really a real person.
      Whether I am here or not, your support has always given me a hope in a strange sense. Thank you for that, for being always here my friend. May you live long, happy and contented !

      • Well.. sweetheart.. i will never forget.. after living five long years.. with severe illness and not being able to connect to any human being in emotions.. either online or off.. the Unconditional Love you provide to me in words in this gift here on your blogs from you to me of hope truly is the immediate spark of love again.. that does bring me back to the Unconditional Love that i am as child.. in Summer of 2013..:)

        Truly i live as mostly Zombie before that.. and truly the love in words you give me then.. is part of why i truly live again in LOVING life.. The gift you give me then.. is beyond all materialistic means and flesh and blood sensual interaction among human beings.. I know then for sure.. AS NOW..:)

        It is pure love in the white of my heart and soul.. and while i freely pursue all avenues of life fearless as any soldier can.. THAT pure white love is now mine to give to all others.. no matter what they do or how they accost me in real life and here…

        I do not know your flesh and blood being.. but you share your soul and heart with me many times here.. in fully expressed Spirit of yours.. and you ‘see’ truly.. i hope.. although my eyes never touch your eyes.. your soul will always be a part of mine…

        I know all along that when you get married in the tradition of your culture you will likely disappear from here.. but friend.. means giving love.. where receiving is not part of friend in true friend life my friend..

        And you know i know the strength of your soul.. and you know i hope now.. that i am your loyal lifelong friend.. long after now.. when my hair turns gray.. i am feeble.. and cannot walk.. as I have already been to that place of human incapacitation before in life as dead…

        The most important thing in life is human soul of self and heart of emotion fully expressed as spirit my friend.. and i know deep down in intuition of the demons that control you and the angels similar to the ones that control me and give to me.. as well in past…

        Allah sends me to you.. as Allah sends you to me as friend.. and that is the way Allah works in humans who are true friends.. when there is never any real separation of souls that do feel love to give unconditionally always to friends..:)

  3. Greetings,

    Thank you for this fascinating rumination on existence. The final words bring the reader -at least this reader – to question what I am about.

    All good wishes,

    robert

  4. As promised.. i am here again..
    on the 6th of the month..
    during your hiatuses here..

    And what i come to find now..
    in further thoughts/feelings from your words here..
    is there is a vital aspect of human reflecting Allah..
    that can be accomplished for greater fulfillment in life..

    THAT is hard for some folks.. but truly you..
    at a relatively young age..
    express a gift in this area..

    And that area.. is creativity in reflection of Creator Allah
    in tapestry of Allah’s creation as is…

    And certainly words of poetic expression.. song.. dance..
    painting.. and any effort of human spirit expressed from heart/soul
    AS SPIRIT FLOWING WITHOUT STEPS of other humans to follow..

    IN Just letting it ALL GO..

    IN FLOWING with Allah in Creativity
    IS being with Allah as one force of ONE.. and to inspire others with that
    creativity is to create life as

    one goes…

    Life is a shallow place to live.. when one’s gifts.. are limits of giving to others..

    When the world is waiting for water of inspiration.. in a flood of light in life..

    to grow a truest garden

    of

    Love..

    Well.. anyway.. there’s still a little of Easter left here in the U.S. on the
    5th.. while it’s already the 6th where you live…

    And my resurrection is always celebrating

    IN Allah’s NOW AS IS forevermore now..:)

    And at one point you suggest that

    what we do in life does not

    matter and people

    will forget ‘us’

    when we are gone…

    i for one as a friend to
    others prove that sentiment

    wrong

    again..
    again..
    and
    again..
    alive
    again..

    now..:)

    Wherever there is giving
    love tHere is life
    in
    LIGHT
    in forget me
    nots or not..:)

  5. It’s a good writing indeed! Well somehow you are trying to add up colors in your life by reading, watching on beach, cooking etc etc but still if it seems empty, it doesn’t mean you are dead but it means you have to change your road. Might be by changing a road, you feel alive and you won’t be trying to live. πŸ™‚

  6. Hello Lala I used to feel exactly the same , I am spiritual being, I am interested in Buddhism for long time and want to practice it desperately, few months ago I took refuge in Buddhism and I got answers to all my questions, I am happy now, among many practices in Buddhism I like most is meditating on impermanence i,e nothing lasts forever everything keeps on changing but our ignorant mind don’t realize this and we keep assuming our difficult situations will last for ever, No Lala no it won’t . Another important thing is to stay mindful that will also helps you in knowing who you are, why you are here an what you want. Like Buddha said we need to rule our mind otherwise it will rule you. Lala remember one thing in a gloomy day we feel there is no sunshine but this is wrong, sunshine is always there, cloud cover its rays of light so it seems as if there is no sunshine…all this is due to ignorant mind, deluded mind , once it is clear you will find the meaning of your life. take care

  7. So how is The Alchemist? I’ve had a copy sitting on my Kobo since Christmas but haven’t got around to reading it yet.

    Not going with the flow can cause problems alright. The more you push the more resistance you create. But I’m not sure that would make you feel dead. For me at least I usually feel more alive when I’m fighting something.

    Sounds more like you simply lack a purpose. At the risk of sounding sexist, most young women have a panacea for that problem. But personally I think having babies to try to solve your own problems is a recipe for disaster. You could try getting a pet instead (I recommend rabbits πŸ˜‰ ).

    You no longer study, you apparently don’t work and you’re in a new society that’s flooding you with impressions and values that are new to you and will take time to integrate. I’d be pretty surprised if an obvious purpose did present itself. And I’d be suspicious of it if it did. Purposes in life have to come from your social context and yours has just been ripped up and transplanted. Give it time.

    For most of my life – including now – I’ve had no purpose. Sometimes it’s made me feel useless but I’ve learned to cherish it as a sort of holiday that gives me the chance to pay attention to my whole environment instead of focusing on the things that might help or hinder my ‘progress’.

    You don’t really need to go anywhere you know. You hold the whole universe where and when you are. When that incredible grace descends upon you it won’t be because you ‘pushed forward’ for it but because you realised you were always there.

  8. Whenever I feel this way, it is usually because I am expecting something…anything… The Buddha says that the source of all suffering is expectations–wanting or not wanting things to be other than they are. I have to stop long enough to notice what I am expecting (what I want to be different) and breathe. Then I tell myself that this moment is all I have. I can choose to celebrate it or regret it. The choice is all mine. That’s the good news. The not so good news is that I have to make the choice each and every moment. Being aware is hard work!

  9. Hi Lala, You ask the ultimate existential, spiritual, and psychological question, perhaps, and I join you in asking it, i.e. why is life still ultimately unsatisfying after all of these years of life, and after all the joy, pleasures, challenges (such as physical exercise), and meaning in it that do exist? And I join you in asking this question . . thanks for asking it, and thanks for your self revealing honesty!

  10. Life is an adventure to partake..

    Culture is a comfort to give back..

    Humans are alive when they forge
    ahead in challenges, pain, and suffering..

    and come out alive…

    Humans are evolved for challenge and never instant
    gratification…

    You do challenge yourself more than many people do..

    But perhaps you are
    ‘Superwoman’..

    And must challenge yourself with Allah too.. to do so much more…

    To continue to FEEL THIS INNATELY.. INSTINCTUALLY AND INTUITIVELY

    TO FLOW WITH ALLAH AND NOT AGAINST ALLAH IS THE JOURNEY AND PATH

    YOU WILL CONTINUE TO FIND WITH ALLAH.. AS NOW GOES BY.. AS LONG AS YOU

    QUESTION.. SEEK.. AND CONTINUE

    TO FIND ANSWERS..

    AND ARE NEVER EVER SATISFIED WITH NOW..

    SO YEAH..

    YOU MY FRIEND ARE STILL ON..

    A CORRECT PATH…

    i look forward to seeing

    where that takes

    you next

    for
    now…:)

    Love is always the goal of now in selfless emotion in action..

    and the journey and path is always a way of relative human
    free will WitH allah exercising a perfection of practice but never ending goal…..alone
    beyond LOVE….

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