Happiness- My unusual side

                Me and my husband- Newcastle upon Tyne beach.

Happiness.

When a poor little girl, hungry for two days, wander from street to street in search of a single morsel of food, gets to a heap of rubbish and see a half eaten piece of bread. The shine in her eyes, that’s happiness.

When a father of two, who spent last ten years in a far off country to spend money for his family, climbs down the plane stairs to meet his children. That excitement on his face, that’s happiness.

When a rich businessman, after earning a truck load of money after an international tour for a month, enters his home at night to eat a simple meal prepared by his mother. The peace on his face, that’s happiness.

When a father, after waiting outside an operation theater for hours, hears a good news of a healthy daughter, that one drop of gratitude in his eyes. That’s happiness.

A hug by your father when you get good results, an excited scream after winning a game of ludo with your cousins, chatting uninterruptedly with your siblings while sharing a meal, simple moments of rejoice that we often ignore, that’s happiness.

Happiness can be triggered at any moment any time of the day with simple happenings. We often mistakenly associate it with big achievements in life. Or a state that remains forever long. We just have to fight with our selves to let ourselves feel it in a full way. All who laugh out loud every time are not necessarily happy and all who just smile when everyone laughs, are not sad.

‘Always’ is not a word suitable for it. Nothing can stay always. Nor does happiness. Restless souls like me keep sitting on a pile of happiness all their life while screaming that we don’t get it. It is us who can decide whether we want to be happy or not. It is like a switch that you turn on when you feel yourself worthy of it. When I was here, In Pakistan, I was in a constant state of depression because I never wanted to get out of it.Small bursts of laughter couldn’t change the state of constant denial in my mind.

I still punish myself sometimes by not feeling happiness around me. By pushing myself towards depression may be for showing loyalty to my life long friend. It feels good sometimes. You can even feel happiness in extreme pain. I definitely can.

Sitting in peace on green fresh grass while staring constantly at the beautiful blue sea water flowing to and fro, that’s my idea of happiness these days. I have started enjoying my solitude equally as I enjoy the company of the person fate has blessed me with. May be life can not get any better that this.

This article is written in response to Dungeon Prompts.

 

 

 

Can You See My Fingers Bleed?

I was planning to write poetry or fiction for some challenge today and here I am, sitting, staring at my laptop screen with my vision getting blurred every few seconds. I wipe my eyes with my already damp hands and start staring at the screen again. I feel an urge to hug my laptop right now or kiss it. And I feel an urge to go out for a walk in the woods with my laptop and never come back to my real world.

I have got the best friends, brothers and sisters here with the help of this little box, a machine. Who knew machines would be understanding feelings more than humans, someday ? Technological advancement or Humanity decline ? I know If I’d cry right now, there would be someone sitting right beside their computer ready to embrace me with their words. I know if I’d share my darkest feelings and the most strange emotions there would be people understanding these without judging me.

Unknown people who have no idea who am I and where I belong, what my country, cast and religion is. People who just know that there is some soul out there, craving for their sympathetic words. Craving for the Love that real world failed to give it. Craving for the care that everyone wants, but doesn’t get it. Craving for someone who could listen, just listen to what it had to say. To listen to the rants of a restless soul.

The time I spent crying while laying in the dark, for 20 years is spent writing now. My fingers dance on the keyboard of this very old model, slow laptop and ‘words’ come out along with the silent tears. My tears cried for 20 years and it is time to give them some rest while I let my fingers cry out loud. There is a difference, no one listened to my crying tears but now everyone listens to my bleeding fingers.

No matter how hopeless and depressed my real life is, my virtual life is awesome. I got to understand life, happiness and care –  The strange words which don’t exist in my real life dictionary. In this life, I am not a depressed bipolar soul….I am the queen of my world, my blog ! I walk here with pride, that my real life can’t snatch away from me. This is my world…The people here are my friends…My beloved online community is the best thing I have….And I am grateful for everything this virtual world has offered me.

Words can’t express my gratitude and Love but my tears can. And I know you can see my fingers bleed, while reading my wounded words.

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Linking to Daily Prompt and Dungeon Prompts : Community. Head over to Speak Easy to vote for my story “Waiting for a dead promise” If you like it. Do read and vote for other awesome submissions too.

Thoughts on Anger and A Thank You Note For My Dear Friends

Credits : This

Anger is the most dangerous attribute possessed by humans. I have actually seen people getting ugly in anger and doing things to harm themselves that affect the rest of their lives in a very bad way. Everyone of us gets angry and I don’t know what are the factors that contribute towards the extent of anger in one but I do know that it can be controlled. It is said that if you want to know the true nature of one, check how he behaves when he is angry. Well behaved, affable, polite and courteous people become the eye candy for everyone in no time.

I have heard of many ways how we can control sudden anger. One of which includes counting backwards from 1 to 10 and taking long breaths. Another method says that if you are standing then sit down and if you are sitting down and you get angry then you should lay down somewhere. Doing this lessens your anger. Drinking cold water helps too sometimes. Self control is the key actually, no matter through what ways you get it.

I don’t have anger problems. I get angry like others but very rarely and my anger comes for a very short period of time usually for 5 to 10 seconds and then disappears. I guess my God gifted silence is the reason behind this. May be that’s why people don’t get scared of me and say whatever they like, even if it hurts me. I don’t want to praise my own self, I’ll look like a fool then, but I’m satisfied with my anger issues as they are minor and controllable. Can’t say I’ll remain like that in the future or become a screaming furious lady. I’d love to hear about your anger problems and how you deal with them.

Also, I want you all to check out my lovely friend, Maria’s blog where she is celebrating my wedding week with such an enthusiasm and energy, I’m sure you’ll enjoy. She is a best friend and a sister, a very talented blogger who most of the times amaze me with her exquisite thoughts on life and everything else. I want to thank her for giving me such love and care. I feel blessed to have her.

I’d like to thank my brother Arindam Saha too here for his continuous support and love. He understands me more than I understand myself and he is always there for me whenever I feel down. Love you brother.

This post is written for Dungeon Prompts who asked about anger management this week and also for the daily prompt who says us to teach something to our fellow bloggers.

Untitled Again ! (Because titles are not enough to portray feelings)

 

This is a photo of a boy from Syria who is sleeping next to his father’s and mother’s grave. I am gazing at this photo and I am crying so hard and so loud. I don’t know why… May be because sometimes you need something to initiate a spark inside you that allow you to let out what you have been collecting inside for a long time. You wrap your pain in layers of fake laughter and smiles and indulge yourself in the colors of this mortal life and at one point, all your tries of faking it dash to ground. You come out as the same weak personality that can’t even carry the weight of itself. The burden of problems and pain seems unacceptable;e at this point.

I had no idea I’ll write this post and I have no idea now what I am writing and where it’ll end. I just want to be real, for a while, for some seconds in front of a crowd and yet still in front of no one…. A crowd who don’t know me and a crowd to whom I owe no expectations and may be that’s why this crowd do more than I expect from them, always. Expectations are the things that create all those differences all those problems, No ? We’ll be happy on what we’d get if we don’t expect and yet here we are, expecting from others even more than we can do for them. Isn’t it funny ?

Sometimes my heart and mind needs a break. While engaging myself with this so called ‘life’ I sometimes get tired. At that time I want to run away from life for a while, I need to take a break from the artificial and live the real, I want to breathe in fresh air at a place where I can find no trace of my ongoing life or I need to sleep for a long time, very long time when no one could wake me up. I want to hide from the people who say that they love me and care for me, why ? I don’t know. I want to be invisible and see what these people will do when I’ll be no more around them. It’s not like I don’t know, but I want to see that.

I guess I have started liking this miserable condition of mine. May be that’s why when people talk of positivity and hope and happiness, their words don’t seem real to me. As if no such things exist in nature, as if they are just performing their duty to make a miserable person in depression feel better. No, despite all your words of support I am still standing here with the same hopelessness and empty hands and I have no positive thoughts.

Was I sent to this earth and given a life for this what I’m doing ? The world would be a far better place without me then why did Allah sent me here ? Any particular reason ? There is no answer. He wants to tell me but I am not ready to listen. There’ll never be any answer till the day they’ll be pouring mud all over my lifeless body. A body made of mud going into the mud. That’s the rule. That’s the truth.

And I am still crying…What should I do to stop this ? Any magical tablet any treatment that’ll stop all this chemical naughtiness going on inside my head ? There must be something that I’m missing…. But what ? My fingers won’t get tired of typing questions but your eyes will get tired of reading. I can’t do any good for anyone, I can’t make anyone happy. This task is not made for me. And that’s why I can stay happy.

And yet I portray myself as if I am the most sad pitiful being in the world. I don’t see that Syrian boy sleeping beside those two graves. What would he be thinking ? I know he is not sleeping, he just can’t. How can he ? He must be thinking about those four hands of Love that once used to hug him and slide their fingers through his hair, those two pair of eyes that had nothing but pure love in them and those arms that protected him once like no one ever can. They are sleeping now under layers of mud and he is still here, fighting with a fierce thing called life….fighting to protect himself from being eaten by life.

I don’t want anything from life…I just want my senses to get numb. I just want to stop thinking and enjoy a peaceful sleep, Is that more than enough ? I can now understand why people use drugs and alcohol and why these are forbidden for us. I have lost everything, and by everything I mean ‘everything’ that can’t be described in words.

I wished this writing might help me out but it hadn’t. Don’t know why. I don’t need pity, I don’t need ‘I am sorry for what you are going through’ and I don’t need “I can understand” because trust me, you don’t. No one can. No one has. No one ever will. I just have to live with my damn self.

8 Words that should be added in English Dictionary

Harvey Specter Rocks !

I encountered a Facebook page that shares very exquisite German, Greek, French, Latin and Arabic words along with the meanings. Since many new words have been added to the dictionary recently, these beautiful words should have a place there too.

These are the kind of words that we yearn for, while writing prose in English and then come up with a bunch of senseless words giving almost the same meaning.While fighting with my writer’s block I exercised these. Here’s how my exercise came out:

1- La douleur exquise (The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable)

An explanation of abandoned love, broken dreams and unfulfilled wishes in one word.

I can feel a piercing la douleur exquise at a place where my heart is. The pain mixes with my blood and flows through the veins…to my heart. Each pore of my body burns with it but I can’t supplicate for a cure. Love hath no cure.

2- Lalochezia (The emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language)

Have you felt lalochezia ever ?

I felt lalochezia after half an hour of slapping and punching her in the face but she was standing there, in the same condition as she did before. I felt all my efforts of tearing her apart going in vain. I have to think of another plan to get rid of this freakish scary doll that my wife had brought from the market and placed near my bed.

3- Cafune (Running your fingers through your lover’s hair)

Complete definition of ‘romantic’ in one word.

You lie here, head in my lap and I cafune you. In those moments, clock stops ticking as if it holds it’s breath to listen to our’s. I hold your hand with closed eyes, sensing peaceful embrace of your love and asks myself, “Can life be more beautiful than that?“

4,5- Dormiveglia (The space that stretches between sleeping and waking), Clinomania (excessive desire to stay in bed)

I love this state of neither sleeping nor awoke completely. I often see best dreams in this state. And clinomania ? It’s my evergreen best friend.

I love you even more in dormiveglia. Your tranquilizing whispers “Wake up My Love” drench my soul leaving it thirsty for your touch. I enjoy a peaceful dormiveglia with clinomania everyday till my son comes crying “I have wet my bed again, Mommy!”.

6- Apodyopsis (The act of mentally undressing someone)

Okay that’s completely lame.

He loved her blindly until one day she sat in front of him in the classroom and he got indulged in a little apodyosis. Turned out, She’s a Man !!

7- Jaaneman (Soul of me)

I love this Urdu word. It sounds cheesy if used normally but life feels good with some cheesiness, sometimes.

Here in the East, when some random guy has to flirt with a random girl, he says, “Oye Jaaneman ! Aik Jadu Ki Japhi tu de de” (Hey Jaaneman ! Give me the magical hug) and she often gives him the magical hug with her slippers.

8- Orenda ( A mystical force present in all people that empowers them to effect the world, or to change their own lives)

I have discovered orenda lying deep inside my soul after several hours of mystic imagination. I am going to change the world. “Change your own pajamas first that you are wearing upturned since the morning, huh ! He will change the world” My wife replies with frowns on her forehead.

You can find many more interesting words on this Facebook page. I’d love to know how you use them in your writings.

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**The thoughts in this post are completely mine and no one needs to agree to them. This post is written for Yeah Write Weekly challenge. Click on the badge to see other entries and to vote on Thursday.

Education Means Enlightened hearts, Not Straight A’s !

Cute little kids with shining eyes and huge heavy school bags on their shoulders…. This is what comes to my mind when I think about schools.

Life is a race. The one who stops, fails. You have to run fast to achieve your goals and this running fast for a school kid means he has to study hard to get good grades. He has to pass four exams and many tests in one year with excellent marks. He has to be brilliant in studies and has to answer his teacher’s questions during lectures. He must shine in studies no matter how shining he is or not in his real life. 

On the other hand teachers have to cover a huge syllabus in one year. They have to check home works of hundreds of students everyday and papers four times a year. They have a fixed time for their lecture and they sometimes have to deliver consecutive lectures without any break. They don’t know the names of students in their class. They sometimes do remember the names of some top students and some bottom ones. All they worry about is how excellent is the result of their class at the end of year.

This is our school system.This is our education system about. A number of big school buildings with high fees and charges for admission have been constructed in a past few years. They don’t care about the quality of education, quantity is the only thing that matters. An innocent kid enters school and a cramming youngster passes out after 10 years. No one keeps a record of what he has learnt that would help him in his life? What are the improvements in his personality and attitude ? How strong is his character and how confident are his aims? All that matters is a result card with stars and excellent grades and straight A’s.

The real question isn’t about the problems. It is about the solutions. In my opinion, If people stop using education system as a means of earning money and start thinking honestly about the future of our youngsters, these problems can be solved. And if teachers think more about character building and less about the syllabus and students think more about correcting themselves and less about getting good grades. Obviously this is possible only if there is no pressure on their heads.

Our grand-Ma’s and Grand-Pa’s are more intelligent and have more wisdom then our parents and us. They didn’t even go to schools. Then from where did they learn all this ? We don’t learn wisdom from schools. We learn wisdom by experiencing life and this is possible only if we keep our eyes open. Problems these children have to face in real life can’t be solved by Maths formulas or equations. Nor is their depression lessened by arithmetic and geometry. It requires wisdom and courage which comes only if you have an open mind and enlightened heart.

Napoleon once said, “Give me educated Mothers and I will give you an educated Nation“. He surely don’t meant Mothers with brilliant grades but he meant Mother’s with wisdom and open hearts. That is what education is all about. You may have read about Bill gates story, how he was not a good student and his friend was a brilliant one; and now He is the owner of Microsoft and his friend is his employee. Albert Einstein couldn’t even speak when he was four and his teachers were of the opinion that he wouldn’t make anything of himself. Benjamin Franklin was dropped out of school at age ten. History is full of examples like that.

No doubt studying is important to earn a good living . But more important than that is keeping mind and heart open, pondering upon the nature, experiencing life to enlighten our hearts and most importantly trying, trying again no matter how many times we fail ! We will be educated then, in true means.

A post written in response to Daily Prompt: The New School.