سکوت – Stillness


Time. Can you count it? Seconds, minutes, hours, years… yes years. They pass. Can you count them? Ofcourse you can. It’s been 2 years since we last met. It’s been two and a half years since i last layed on this bed in my room. Where time stands still, like all the toys in the huge wooden shelf standing tall against one of the walls. All my dolls, books, teady bears, trophies from school and college, photographs, diaries and my old broken computer. My whole life. My everything summed up. It all stays here, on the same spot, collecting dust and memories. Silent. Still. Nothing ever moves. My mother, who is a bit weaker now than she was two and a half years ago, she doesn’t let anything move. She pickes up things, cleans them and put them on the same spot as they were. It’s been two and a half years since i last visited my room. It’s been 20 years since i put my toys in their spots for the first time.

My room.. it reminds me of you. All those years that i spent talking to you in this room, when a second would feel like eternity. The air, it smells of you. Of us. Of what was never meant to be. Out of all the feelings bubbling up in my heart while lying in this room, your memory is the strongest. It stands still, on its spot, in my room, in the air. Like other toys in the big wooden shelf. It won’t move. Years would pass. Years have passed.

But time… it stands still. Frozen. It hasn’t passed. It can not be counted. Like years. It has made my father older, my brothers stronger and my mother weaker. But everything else is the same. As it was two and a half years ago, three and a half years ago and five years ago. I am home. I feel as if i float here, weightless and still. Burden on the shoulders feel lighter. Walls surround me, walls of unconditional love. Walls that once suffocated me. After years now, they make me feel safe.

Some things, just a few, have changed though. All those years did not pass in vain. They have filled my father’s life with some more hardships, some more pain that’s intense. My mother’s life with some more dreams and uncontentment and my brother’s lives with sime tough life experiences. Their faces look mature now, it breaks my heart. Their eyes shine with the same naughtiness that was there, years ago. One of them is still the most sensitive, one still the most angry and one still the most calm and sensible. Like they were before the years passed. When we were children. When i lived with them. Here. In this house. Where time stands still. Nothing has changed after all the years. This, is still my world. I belong here. In the world that doesn’t change with the years that pass. The world that holds the six people, who mean the world to me. Yes, including you. It’s still you. It always were you. My heart, after all those years, never opened again. Like time in my house, it stands still. On its spot. Closed. Shut. Holding my world of straws. Protecting it from years that pass. Through time.

Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.

 

— My visit to Pakistan. 10th March – 24th March 2019.

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6 thoughts on “سکوت – Stillness

  1. “Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.”
    Hello Lala Rukh Happy 6th of the Month to ya..
    Getting Very close to 6 Years now of coming to Visit
    You a couple of more Months to reach that Connection
    Point my Friend for what are Years what are Months
    what are even Days or Minutes or yes even Seconds too
    When Now
    is all there
    is that
    and
    Who Truly Counts
    As Us Yes We Yes All
    of Existence in this Moment
    this Present of now.. Gift as such
    too of course.. anyway Happy to Quote
    You for this Quote will even Change Colors
    depending on who may Read it in the Ever Changing
    Eternal Now.. Time Such a River Never a Stroke of a Clock
    Alone Subjective Feelings and Senses only deep as we Feel and
    Sense Life Now Alternatively People attempt to Fill Now up with what
    they Buy and Collect of Stuff in Life the External Happiness that is only
    An illusion
    Away from
    The Essence
    And Feel of within
    but as long as folks
    know the External Stuff
    is not Essence Real why not use
    Any Tool Available to Color the Feelings
    even more And Senses within now too until
    Above comes Below within Inside as Outside
    And All Around Now too All Relative to the Love and Light
    We Feel and Sense or the other place of Dark WHeRe LiGHT
    MaY Arise too.. True it’s May and Light continues to Rise my Friend..
    Happy
    May
    Days
    i’m a bit
    relieved that
    April Fool Days
    are Distant In History Now
    As i please my Friend in a Different Present Gift Now..:)

  2. that picture .. made me double take … it induced a lot of memories and nostalgia for me too.. we too had exactly the same pillars on our balconies .. years and years ago.. was a teenager then . dont know why I was sort of fascinated with them .. over time the developed cracks in them .. I really don’t know what and why the fascination was…. then home renovation got rid of these cement made pillars. time takes away so much leaving behind fading memories . sigh..
    nice to have you back . 🙂

  3. Unrequited Love the Dull Pain of Heart that never fully goes away i remember Your
    Pain the Pain of Your Unrequited Love Palpable it was as Your Love one Drifted Away from
    You So Close.. True.. i remember that Here too as Your Sadness became my Sadness as Blogging
    often Brings to others with Healing Tears and Nuanced Emotions that come Within Words Housed
    To Be felt among others too.. what a healing Force Emotions are what an emptiness comes with
    Unrequited Love what Dark Muse for Art it will Bring as Long as all is not held within.. Smiles
    so what is more Empty
    Unrequited
    Love are Love that
    is no longer Afraid and
    Disappears into the Light
    What is more full Longing or
    Forgetfulness of what it even means
    to be Hungry for Love.. Personally i am never
    more Filled than when i am Hungry for Love i am
    Never Bored as Long now as i am Hungry for Living
    And Without Love what’s the use for True Unrequited
    Love is Love too.. the Hungry that Brings us to the Table of Muse
    The Dark that becomes the light as the light becomes the dark as Dark
    Reminds
    the Day to
    Wake up as Night..
    For Sure we all Sleep and
    Wake under the Dark and Light
    of Our Milky Way Home endlessly it
    Spirals to make Loving us in all our Light
    of Human Potential.. to remember Love is to Love
    Again to Long for Love is to Love Again.. how strange
    it is how
    the Dark
    of Loneliness
    Paints the Moon
    When Full of Love Longing
    Even more.. Smiles Lala Rukh i Feel Your
    Pain but true i Feel Your Love too.. for Love
    is only as Long as we Long For Love to Be.. perhaps
    You have more than any Dream’s Fruition now to feel to feel so much..:)

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