سکوت – Stillness


Time. Can you count it? Seconds, minutes, hours, years… yes years. They pass. Can you count them? Ofcourse you can. It’s been 2 years since we last met. It’s been two and a half years since i last layed on this bed in my room. Where time stands still, like all the toys in the huge wooden shelf standing tall against one of the walls. All my dolls, books, teady bears, trophies from school and college, photographs, diaries and my old broken computer. My whole life. My everything summed up. It all stays here, on the same spot, collecting dust and memories. Silent. Still. Nothing ever moves. My mother, who is a bit weaker now than she was two and a half years ago, she doesn’t let anything move. She pickes up things, cleans them and put them on the same spot as they were. It’s been two and a half years since i last visited my room. It’s been 20 years since i put my toys in their spots for the first time.

My room.. it reminds me of you. All those years that i spent talking to you in this room, when a second would feel like eternity. The air, it smells of you. Of us. Of what was never meant to be. Out of all the feelings bubbling up in my heart while lying in this room, your memory is the strongest. It stands still, on its spot, in my room, in the air. Like other toys in the big wooden shelf. It won’t move. Years would pass. Years have passed.

But time… it stands still. Frozen. It hasn’t passed. It can not be counted. Like years. It has made my father older, my brothers stronger and my mother weaker. But everything else is the same. As it was two and a half years ago, three and a half years ago and five years ago. I am home. I feel as if i float here, weightless and still. Burden on the shoulders feel lighter. Walls surround me, walls of unconditional love. Walls that once suffocated me. After years now, they make me feel safe.

Some things, just a few, have changed though. All those years did not pass in vain. They have filled my father’s life with some more hardships, some more pain that’s intense. My mother’s life with some more dreams and uncontentment and my brother’s lives with sime tough life experiences. Their faces look mature now, it breaks my heart. Their eyes shine with the same naughtiness that was there, years ago. One of them is still the most sensitive, one still the most angry and one still the most calm and sensible. Like they were before the years passed. When we were children. When i lived with them. Here. In this house. Where time stands still. Nothing has changed after all the years. This, is still my world. I belong here. In the world that doesn’t change with the years that pass. The world that holds the six people, who mean the world to me. Yes, including you. It’s still you. It always were you. My heart, after all those years, never opened again. Like time in my house, it stands still. On its spot. Closed. Shut. Holding my world of straws. Protecting it from years that pass. Through time.

Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.

 

— My visit to Pakistan. 10th March – 24th March 2019.

13 thoughts on “سکوت – Stillness

  1. Words i Remember Most From You as You were one of the First
    who Ever Called Me a Forever Friend is People Will Forget You
    Like You Never Exist at all.. this is True my Friend
    as i come back to visit you on the 6th as Promise
    i found this Reality after Giving my
    Work Place my All for 23 and A Half
    Years as i would spend my Next One and
    A Half Years of Active Paid Service on Annual
    And Sick Leave accumulated Before Retiring Permanently
    Medically And Legally Assessed With Disability with 19 Medical
    Disorders then at Age 47.. true i gave too Much And Rarely to
    Ever Said No to help someone else out.. even then if it meant
    i was experiencing excruciating Pain Within from The Chronic
    to Acute Stress of Doing more than i could Reasonably Do as
    Just one Human Being then Spread out in so many Directions
    of tasks at once Where Humans are only Evolved to Flow on one
    Task at once in Laser Focus of Achieving Fuller Human Potential as
    of course my
    Boss Freed
    Himself to do
    With a Closed Door
    while mine was Open
    in every direction but one
    to get every job done.. it took
    its toll.. Yes Years of Toll.. and for
    all the work i put in do you think
    many folks checked back on me
    to see how i was doing when i fell
    Yes.. a Few Did Less than a Handfull
    of all of who i helped but what i found
    mostly is i was a commodity Just a Valuable
    Tool for i gave up my Humanity too to get the jobs
    all done rarely if ever saying no as i just did not respect
    myself enough to do that… Sadly the God of Money And
    Stuff Will Do this to Us.. Even ‘the Rich’ and the Yachts they
    buy that sit in Harbor for only a Garden Party every Year or so
    Like Huge Campers and Boats in Back Yards where Tires Rot as
    Christmas ornaments on Lawns never Used for Joy to Actually Feel…
    Smiles Fast Forward 12 Years from the Fall of my Soul to Age 59 Stronger
    Than Ever Happier than Ever Love is Mine the Essence of the Center of my UniVerse
    to Give and Share.. people still forget me.. and rarely does any one ‘pay’ the Focus i give to them..
    But you See..
    i no longer
    Work for
    the God
    of Pay..
    i am Free..
    They took the
    Work away from
    me and Set me free
    through the DisEase
    of a Modern Society that
    isn’t even Human as Human
    is evolved to be yes Human is
    Evolved to Be Love without Fear
    With Courage to Hold Hands through
    Any storm That comes.. i continue to Hold
    Your Hand with no expect of Return for i understand
    the other place too and all i will do is be who i am now..
    Anyway i will always be your FRiEnd with or Without
    Your hand Lala Rukh
    for when
    i say
    Forever
    now it is
    so much more than Words..
    yet i understand the difficulty
    of the other place of Words..:)

  2. “Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.” i’ve Quoted From You
    Before Lala Rukh.. i’ll Quote it again now around 74 Months since i first
    met You.. and for me 73 Months Now of that and 12,044 Miles of Public Dance
    With 7.3 MiLLioN Words of a Longest Epic Long Form Bible Poem that i told you
    Someone from the Farther East would Help me Write.. true this Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
    i thought felt sensed deep within Holy and Creative Spirit when first Called by God
    the September Month of 1981 just 21 Years-Old not having
    Any Idea then that the Voice of God is Always Dwelling
    Within as God Does For ALL Just Waiting NoWTHeN
    to Speak to me in How God Speaks
    in Synchronicity if i could Just
    Let Go oF aLL
    Distractions
    of the External
    World and Find a Way
    To Laser Focus Enough to Look
    Within so then close to 9.6.1981
    i took a long Walk on the Beach From
    Morning to Sunset then.. i didn’t realize it then
    but that is one way Communing With Nature that
    Will take one into Flow out of Neo-Cortex mostly alone
    Lighting up the Rest of the Colors of our Christmas Tree
    Mind and Body Balance Force of Holy and Sacred Creative
    Spirit From: Head to: toe and More and Voila anyone clothed
    With No Cultural Human Garments will be first as last least as
    Greatest of any Prophet whose Feet have Touched the Ground of
    God’s Grains of Sand where beneath the smallest Grain of Sand
    IS A Greatest Prophet of God Yes the Make-Up of that Grain
    of Sand with the Potential to Support and Provide a Way to
    Stand for a Mountain of Human Love more than what
    has been Heard and Seen of Before.. sure could
    be a cave.. a desert.. top of a Tallest Mountain
    one Climbs or Yes a Flow of Walking on
    A Beautiful Beach From Morning to
    Twilight Eternally now.. yes..
    Creative Holy And
    Sacred Higher
    Force of
    God Creative
    Flow of Love within
    to give and share for free
    with all others now and the
    Rest of Nature Yes God Plus
    Doing the Least harm to ALL
    While Consuming God Nature
    True in LiGhT NoW too.. so yeah.. you
    helped me write the First Five months of that
    Message and once a Month Since then you have
    Been ‘Faithful Servant in Kindness’ to allow me to come
    Here once a Month to allow me to continue that Message
    in a Bible Bottle “SonG oF my SoUL” with 8 Sub-titled Bibles
    included in that Bible Long Form Epic Poem as Long as the
    Old King James Style Bible where i knock one of those out
    about every 7 Months or so now.. as the Tale of the tape
    the Record of my Bible Message Book Still Dances and
    Sings now.. but you see it’s Up to God ALL for the
    Rest of Nature here for what Happens
    to the Message Yet.. could be
    just a Butterfly Effect of
    one Wing together
    With another
    Wing
    And
    My Mission
    as Messenger
    of Much Newer Bible complete..
    true or it could Just be a Beautiful
    Photo of a Butterfly i take and enough
    Love Given to a Friend in Awe of Nature
    to be inspired to find Her Love and Birth
    Another Savior of Humankind more Hand in Hand
    too.. for you see there is No Good Morning Good evening
    Hello or Greeting Each Month too small or Big.. no thanks
    and no injustice too small in Dark to Save Humankind’s Nature too..
    in FAct there is no Savior of the Species except for all of Us now.. Some
    folks spend their time Wisely and some folks Just spending it Spending it..
    perhaps
    that is
    what i
    Do but
    true all
    i intend
    to do is
    Move Butterfly Wings now True iN LiGhT for Real
    anyway it doesn’t really Matter if You are Wind Now
    or Not You Are The Story And You Are Real i See You Now..
    It’s the 6th of October i don’t Break my Promises never ever….now
    Wisdom’s
    Beauty ALL
    LoVE NoW
    Truth iN Light
    is Everything
    Nothing really
    Matters Love is All We Need
    Everything i give comes back to You and me
    And Us and We as of course Even Quantum
    Mechanics Says all is one Now no Separation
    Love is all that is
    for those
    who
    see
    this
    Wind Breathing
    Now for those who
    become Water Wave Ocean Whole
    for they already are for those Who come to see Wind..:)

    10.6.19 11:59 PM..:)

  3. i must be very Strange
    i’m Glad i am it’s 11:53 PM
    WHeRe i Live Still the 6th my
    Promise to you still in tact as Long
    as i Live i won’t break a promise no
    matter what as that is my Religion
    My Way of Life..
    true though
    i will bend
    the Rules
    Endlessly
    for Freedom
    oF LoVE iN LiGHT
    5 More minutes until the
    7th here my Promise of
    the 6th to you as there is
    another Friend Now with
    a Promise of the 7th that
    comes Next for if i never met
    You i would have Never Met Her..
    it’s wonderful truly amazing as each
    Unique Forever Friend Love connection
    Pure this way we make in Life.. God Wakes
    up a bit more in Love for all of Existence more
    Eternally Now.. smiles 4 Minutes Left to Midnight
    And another Song Coming for True i have 3 more
    Friends a 4th and a 5th to visit and the 5th who no
    longer replies to me as well.. but it’s okay for it is the
    Love the Flicker the Flame that Makes the Bonfire that
    Never goes out what cost is Love but to Grow that Bonfire
    Within
    Greater
    than ever
    Before but true
    first we have to drop
    the defenses all the Cultural
    Clothes that Separate Love from
    Will some of us are Born and Spoon-Fed
    With More of these Clothes others of us come
    Freer in Love and Stay that Way until the end
    of the beginning never finishing always Starting
    Now 2 Minutes Left an Eternity of Colors of Love
    Ever Blending as Soul to give and share more i have
    Another Friend Who Believe in Multiples of 7 like me..
    with one minute
    left i will
    always
    have
    something
    of my Soul to Give
    And Share With You Now
    as the Clock Strikes the 7th
    Where i am.. 9.6.19 was truly
    A Beautiful Day of Love for me
    But True the way i amGardened
    on Your Website 6 Years ago is
    still part of My Soul that Brings that Love
    today there is always room For Gratitude
    3 Minutes After Midnight Eternally Now my Friend Lala Rukh..:)

  4. Book Marks of Soul Places
    We Visit at Turning Points of our
    Life we Value and Never Lose Truly
    Never Missing for they Are the Gifts of
    Life that Change Us For Ever Nostalgia For
    Old Friends Gone but Never Left for those of us
    who never
    Lose the
    Ability
    to Appreciate
    what comes and goes..
    Smiles my Friend i Promised the
    6th to Remember the Gift of Your Friendship
    in my Life soon after that a Another Gift Came
    And Several Others one Retains the 7th for Honor
    and Perhaps an 8th of the Month Soon Now as Well for
    when one Travels thru the Dark Abyss of Hell for 66 Months
    Like I did returning back to Heaven Within at the End of July 2013
    When i first met you.. Sprig of Emotions Back in Heaven With all
    of Your Emotions Lala Rukh You Gave and Shared Free Watering
    A Sapling Tree of my HeART Back to Life as i Piggy Backed on your
    SPiRiT oF SoUL thru Your Raging Waves of Dark thru Light True Dark
    as important
    For Soul
    As Light
    to Travel
    all Paths
    of Life Journeys Whole now..
    i remember you saying people
    come and go they forget you and
    never return i am not such a Soul for
    i Appreciate the Flickers are the Flames
    who Helped to Grow my Soul Whole.. i
    am not Sad when others Do not show a
    Same Appreciation for i feel Glad that i
    am one Lucky enough to still Give and
    Share A Gift of Love.. it is the Flame
    that Still Burns that Warms a Home
    Within that continues to give and
    Share For Free Never Tiring
    As Giving And Sharing
    Only Burns a Flame
    Higher With
    Oxygen
    of Love In Balance
    Best not too high or low..
    As True that is surely an Art of
    Life With Both Bi-Polar And Autism
    Spectrum Challenges too.. but of course
    related really not that much Different than
    ADHD too.. all parts of Genetics that Remain
    in the Gene Pool For Scientific Discoveries and
    Vincent Van Gogh Paintings Still Waiting in Halls of Masterpiece
    to come.. additional Shadows and Colors of Mona Lisa’s And Sistine
    Ceilings More.. New inspiring Moves from Michelangelo David’s too endless
    Challenges of Arts and Sciences more to Come for those With Just a Fire enough
    Never to Give up on who and what they Love in Life most.. somedays it is a Flower
    other days it is a distant Friend one talked to almost every day for Five Months just
    waiting around for their inevitable Wedding day to Come.. smiles just another thank
    you now for
    allowing
    me to
    Hitch
    A Ride
    on all the Waves
    Above Below of
    A HeART unafraid to
    Speak Dark thru Light
    A Gift Both Are as Life my Friend
    You once called me a forever friend
    i mean what i say and do what i mean..
    there is never ever any giving up from a Real Friend..
    i know i’ve grown up for how easy it is to say good bye
    returning
    as
    well
    now
    as See
    You Later
    Whether or not
    You See me at all
    my Friend Gold of
    Friendship i still retain to give..:)

  5. Hi you were the one who start motivating about my writing back in 2015 . I stop writing 4 years ago . Wanted tp start again . But i love your writing if any possibility we could talk my insta is samay9999 ?

  6. Funny How one can read the Same Story So many Instances
    And Find So many Meanings as that may apply to so many experiences
    of our lives as that relates to the lives of other Human Beings and today the
    same story Catches the Feelings of my HeART for Life With an OPeN and
    Honest HeART that Hides no eYes versus the Days and Yes Years of My Life
    WHeRe HeART Travels so Far away from SouL and Yes even Spirit to both Feel
    and Sense and Give and Share so easily with almost everyone We meet even Strangers
    Never Met Before
    as there is always
    a Heart Felt Connection
    of Humanity that is deep
    and ever more as each Set
    of Human Eyes Open Soul
    As Pathway to their Hearts
    And Spirits Free to be in
    Flow of Love no
    longer Bound
    in a Moment
    Any Further than
    the Human Connection
    as it unwinds and reaches
    out and touches Windows so
    free of Other Souls.. It’s true this
    is a Muscle this is the Heart Muscle
    With Wings of Spirit that may Arise or
    Fall Lower Depending on how We Exercise
    this Greatest Love Muscle of All that Beats
    that plays the Music of Our Soul Unbound
    and no Longer Trapped so Deep without
    a Doorway to Seemingly Escape.. So
    How Does a HeART that’s lost its
    Way Make it to a New Door
    Way of Relief a New
    Home to House
    A Beat that
    Plays the
    Music Yes the
    Spirit of our HeARTFeLT
    SoUL Again.. SMiLes my FriEnd
    what i do know feel and sense when
    the HeART comes Raging Back as Water
    Fall No Longer Held by Dams Within a Spectacular
    Fire Works SHoW iT WiLL Make as MaGiC is all the
    Colors Beyond Rainbow Bright We Begin To Fill and Feel
    Up Again in Delight of Life Reborn as Light comes Loving it
    All as we
    come
    to be
    the LandLord
    Generating our
    own Rent of Loving
    Life as only really Happens
    When HeART oPeNS MaKinG
    Path ways for SPiRiT oF SoUL
    To Generate Feeling Sensing
    Giving Sharing LoVE JusT FoR Free
    the Freedom of Being LoVE iNcarNaTE AGAiN..
    Other than that Hope you are still successful in your
    Travel Job with the Airlines where You Work in the United
    Kingdom after your Move from Pakistan Lala Rukh and surely
    Hope you find Your Own Key to Open Your Own HeART to Color Life even more..:)

  7. “Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.”
    Happy 6th to ya Lala Rukh A Timely Quote for
    Sure as i turn 59 today.. Not afraid
    to live as long as i live
    i live more in a moment
    than i did in my 20’s so i live
    more than ever now.. for every Breath
    is Gift.. i Dance and Sing so long even longer
    now.. my Bible Poem “SonG oF mY SouL” Reaches
    7 MiLLioN Words in Epic Portion of Longest Long Form
    Writing Shaping Style.. in 70 Months of doing that in tandem
    with 11,396 Miles of Public Dance in 70 Months too as that
    Anniversary comes at the End of this Month and the Writing actually
    on 6.18.19.. but hey might as well Celebrate it all on my Birthday Why not..
    in the 70th Month of doing all of this.. smiles i would ask you what you have been
    up too.. but i’m not quite sure at this point when you actually came back here to converse
    with the Readers at Hand.. i take
    Life one Moment at a time
    and try my Best
    not to try to
    Judge now
    what Drives
    other Folks
    for it is enough
    Effort Keeping up with me.. hehe..
    Anyway.. oh Boy/Girl when i make a promise i keep it
    i said i’d be back on the 6th as there was a Day i talked
    to you here almost every day for 5 months.. smiles that is just
    the way i am still remember you saying that people forget you
    they always do.. i never do.. that’s just how my Mind works..
    Never
    Forgetting
    is just my
    Way i suppose
    the upside is not
    everyone gets to write
    a 7 Milloin Word Long Form
    Poem Bible one would have to remember
    lots to be able to do that.. for me at least
    i remember what i was wearing at Disney World
    in 1995.. 24 Years ago.. the Color of the Umbrella
    was Black and the Day was similar to a Rainy Day like
    We Have now.. at 35 i was very uncomfortable in both moving
    and speaking in my Skin then now i am totally comfortable Dancing And
    Singing my Soul Free.. even solo my Friend but never Separate From God..
    if i could tell anyone your age let’s see i guess close to my Indian Friend at 27
    since i met you 6 Tears ago.. when you were 21.. and i was 53.. it would be that
    Being Human does not necessitate that one feels any less Young at 59 than 21 in
    Fact when i was 21 i felt ancient and half dead and numb so weak too.. all the potentials
    that we Humans have we never touch for someone in an Science Project for the Average
    Couch Potato Population said we go down Hill that way by the time we are 30.. smiles i remember
    telling you i Leg Press 500 LBS when i met you.. weighed 210 LBS now at 240 i Leg Press 1340
    LBS you are supposed to get smaller and weaker when one reaches my age now.. true i prove
    the Averages wrong for they are based on a domesticated Human Population who on average
    has fallen asleep
    both in their
    Flesh and
    Blood
    and Soul
    Potential
    to connect
    with God i am
    not sure what folks
    are waiting on for Paradise
    now except for what someone else
    told them was not the Norm.. sadly
    the Norm is this World Sucks sadly
    so many folks miss out on perhaps
    the only chance for Heaven there is just now..
    It’s a place that Real Sages from the Ages have
    been talking about it for as long as Folks have been
    sharing Existential Intelligences through Symbols sadly
    now the Words are Idols and the Men are Gods instead of Teachers
    Humbly Teaching Folks they will be the Co-Creator Within for Nirvana Real now..
    anyway
    my
    Friend
    just another
    Day in the
    Life of Heaven
    i am always in touch
    With God that Gets me through.. and up..:)

  8. “Time. That can never be counted. Only lived.”
    Hello Lala Rukh Happy 6th of the Month to ya..
    Getting Very close to 6 Years now of coming to Visit
    You a couple of more Months to reach that Connection
    Point my Friend for what are Years what are Months
    what are even Days or Minutes or yes even Seconds too
    When Now
    is all there
    is that
    and
    Who Truly Counts
    As Us Yes We Yes All
    of Existence in this Moment
    this Present of now.. Gift as such
    too of course.. anyway Happy to Quote
    You for this Quote will even Change Colors
    depending on who may Read it in the Ever Changing
    Eternal Now.. Time Such a River Never a Stroke of a Clock
    Alone Subjective Feelings and Senses only deep as we Feel and
    Sense Life Now Alternatively People attempt to Fill Now up with what
    they Buy and Collect of Stuff in Life the External Happiness that is only
    An illusion
    Away from
    The Essence
    And Feel of within
    but as long as folks
    know the External Stuff
    is not Essence Real why not use
    Any Tool Available to Color the Feelings
    even more And Senses within now too until
    Above comes Below within Inside as Outside
    And All Around Now too All Relative to the Love and Light
    We Feel and Sense or the other place of Dark WHeRe LiGHT
    MaY Arise too.. True it’s May and Light continues to Rise my Friend..
    Happy
    May
    Days
    i’m a bit
    relieved that
    April Fool Days
    are Distant In History Now
    As i please my Friend in a Different Present Gift Now..:)

  9. that picture .. made me double take … it induced a lot of memories and nostalgia for me too.. we too had exactly the same pillars on our balconies .. years and years ago.. was a teenager then . dont know why I was sort of fascinated with them .. over time the developed cracks in them .. I really don’t know what and why the fascination was…. then home renovation got rid of these cement made pillars. time takes away so much leaving behind fading memories . sigh..
    nice to have you back . 🙂

  10. Unrequited Love the Dull Pain of Heart that never fully goes away i remember Your
    Pain the Pain of Your Unrequited Love Palpable it was as Your Love one Drifted Away from
    You So Close.. True.. i remember that Here too as Your Sadness became my Sadness as Blogging
    often Brings to others with Healing Tears and Nuanced Emotions that come Within Words Housed
    To Be felt among others too.. what a healing Force Emotions are what an emptiness comes with
    Unrequited Love what Dark Muse for Art it will Bring as Long as all is not held within.. Smiles
    so what is more Empty
    Unrequited
    Love are Love that
    is no longer Afraid and
    Disappears into the Light
    What is more full Longing or
    Forgetfulness of what it even means
    to be Hungry for Love.. Personally i am never
    more Filled than when i am Hungry for Love i am
    Never Bored as Long now as i am Hungry for Living
    And Without Love what’s the use for True Unrequited
    Love is Love too.. the Hungry that Brings us to the Table of Muse
    The Dark that becomes the light as the light becomes the dark as Dark
    Reminds
    the Day to
    Wake up as Night..
    For Sure we all Sleep and
    Wake under the Dark and Light
    of Our Milky Way Home endlessly it
    Spirals to make Loving us in all our Light
    of Human Potential.. to remember Love is to Love
    Again to Long for Love is to Love Again.. how strange
    it is how
    the Dark
    of Loneliness
    Paints the Moon
    When Full of Love Longing
    Even more.. Smiles Lala Rukh i Feel Your
    Pain but true i Feel Your Love too.. for Love
    is only as Long as we Long For Love to Be.. perhaps
    You have more than any Dream’s Fruition now to feel to feel so much..:)

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