I Don’t Wanna Cry Daddy

There was a time when I used to write poems when I was sad and had to ease my pain. I wanted to tell the whole world how miserable I am and how painful my life is. I don’t know why but I liked receiving pity. No one could imagine what I went through, and I tried hard to shout and tell everyone here in blog-o-sphere. May be it was my way of a catharsis. Everyone here, specially some beautiful friends helped me so much emotionally.

Then things changed and I stopped writing poetry. Pain was a strong driving force for me to write. It’s intensity lessened. So did my interest in writing. I just wrote a poem again, after I guess two or so years. It’s my life story, more or less. I don’t remember how to use fancy words and amazing allegoric phrases. It is a very simple poem written in very very simple and plain words. There would be many poetic mistakes, but it comes straight from my heart, that weeps right now.

Is it worth reading or not, that’s upon you to decide.

Source

 

Full of life, shinning eyes

Energetic box of chatter

I don’t wanna cry daddy

She writes him a letter

 

Shivering hands holding a pen

Scribbles on paper damp with tears

She shows him her bruised heart

Filled with heartbreaking fears

 

I am in so much pain , daddy

It doesn’t go, no matter what I do

You are so far away from me

All I need is a hug from you

 

As I laid with head on your arm

Be happy always, you used to say

May you never guess grief in my laugh

Now, while on the telephone I pray

 

You used to call me your innocent fairy

Guess what daddy, the innocence was gone

Long before my sensitive heart needed love

And I searched for it in strangers unknown

 

I needed a friend daddy, to share tales

To listen to my problems, hold my hand

While you were busy earning money

Life tore me apart, turned me to sand

 

My nights became so agonizing and long

Burning wounds, dying soul, bloody eyes

I cried and cried daddy I was so lonely

But in the day I covered it all with lies

 

And then you married me off to far away land

I saw you cry while you gave away my hand

I had a chance to tell you what I went through

Instead, I’m happy, I silently made you understand

 

This time daddy, after a few years

I went through the same heart break

The demons under my bed followed

The curse once again kept me awake

 

The pain tortured your little girl daddy

She needed the mask she used to wear

People changed, circumstances different

But the old depression won’t disappear

 

But guess what daddy, all that suffering

After mourning all night for so many years

Your girl refused to live and enjoy misery

She fought with her demons, faced her fears

 

Tears and pain made her strong

She fought and got her Allah back

Blocked memories that ate her flesh

Forced her dead soul back on track

 

Love and Pain both here but outlook changed

Heart silent, loneliness there but no despair

Still afraid of watching dreams as they shatter

But refusing to live in misery, I stopped to care

 

Remember the day when you were sick

Devastated, love you daddy, I cried aloud

Your little girl daddy, is all grown up

And all I wish is to make you proud

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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26 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna Cry Daddy

  1. April.. 6th.. And the
    2017.. Month of April as
    Spring and Easter IS sTiLL
    A sigNaTuRE for the poTenTial
    NoW of hUman reBirth.. And rebirth
    as cycle of liFe gOne and coMe more
    again as liGht.. and it reMinds me now of
    ‘Beauty and the Beast’ as strange as that may seem..
    now2.. for to lose human emotions
    and senses is the
    death
    of life
    as life..
    with
    or
    without
    shells of words
    without core noW aS
    esSence of the Word
    caLLed Love.. loSinG
    heARt.. SpiRit and A miNd
    and BoDY that no lonGer Balances
    as soUL FuLL NoW.. IS A deaTh of
    LiGht as LiFE as Love as greAtest Gift
    of Human as Nature and God sAMe pluS
    Born as Sentient sTar duSt plUs from Crucible
    Fire of Star Seed Gift.. stAR heARTs we are now..
    my FriEnd Lala Rukh.. NoW.. when our stAR oF heART
    SpiRit sHines BriGht as HuMan soUl.. Furry and aLive..
    wArm
    as
    hUman
    touch hugs
    a Star of liFe
    wE are togEThER
    FiRe as SpiRit liGht..
    anyWay.. tHeRE are GiFts
    oF LiGht and dARk mUse of LiFe..
    thEre are gifts of Human that coMe and
    go.. and when i lived in Beast mode without
    a heARt.. a fAILinG spiRit and A soUL unglued..
    my challenge.. yes.. without effective use of eYes and
    eaRs in real life flesh and blood communication.. even
    with my lovely wife with me in home outside.. then.. was to
    make words of teXt Organic
    as a BEast without
    heART WiLL do..
    WiTh ART
    as PoeTry
    or Dance
    and SonG
    of HeART too..
    enough for at LeASt
    one person to recognize
    A heART wiThin as SpiRit
    coMe back togETheR as Egg of soUL
    LIVinG agAIn as Seed oF liGht wHOle..
    And it’s true.. with face or not.. without regard
    to age or gender.. you are one of those people
    who freely gave that to everyone on your blog…
    i have come aCross a few who make that bRoad
    brUSh efFort of Love.. And you as friEnd affirMed thaT
    i cAMe aLive enough as human animal of Love again
    to believe iT
    enough
    to
    spRead
    my wings..
    the rest is hiStory
    now.. my friEnd.. Legend
    aMoNg Women and stiLL
    not so much among Men..
    as far as Dance of heaRt now..
    goes.. thing is.. you were among the
    first as Muse who spaRked my heARt.. bacK.. aS reboRn LiGht..
    And.. yeP.. like any Wookiee.. i WiLL do.. i STiLL do.. Not forget yoU..
    so.. come Back.. if you can and WiLL mY FriEnd.. aGain.. to say hi.. i
    have Love for i have patience of the JOB before.. stOne cOld…
    coMe to
    DancE
    And SinG agAIN..
    oN the 6th oF Forevermorenow..:)

  2. Ah, so much pain, so much depth. I haven’t gone that much far in life as you, but to some level I can really relate.
    Oh my God, my eyes are soggy!
    Good sharing.
    Stay blessed

  3. Oh.. Goodness.. Lala Rukh..
    first time seemingly real friend
    in the land of.. Poetry online..
    from Pakistan and of course
    moving on to the
    United Kingdom
    as immigrants
    will do too..
    spreading out with
    Love.. it’s 11:47 pm.. Central
    Standard time over heaR in Florida
    Panhandle of endless Spring to fAll
    to Summer Flowers as Winter skips by
    with just a chill breeze one weekend on
    Biloxi Beaches of 19 degrees or so with
    my shorts still on sailing in dance on
    the Boardwalk of beach with
    the wind as air flying
    me so free and
    water
    swimming
    in my salt
    sprinkled
    Veins
    so deep so deep
    the dance and song MoveS oN
    mY FriEnd.. anyWaY as you kNow and
    FeeL and as i’ve remembered so many times
    before.. an elephant like me and camel too with
    the rider i too.. don’t break no promises and as you
    once said as i’ve remembered before and written too..
    people forget you like you never existed.. well.. my friend..
    those
    aren’t
    people..
    and you already
    told me one time
    you are a real person
    like you were surprised i
    was not just another online
    like collector or follower collector
    or whatever the newest car lot ruse
    is today for continuing muse.. Love is
    free muse to me.. my FriEnd.. and that’s
    A way you do it.. you give it.. and the pleasure is all yOurs
    at leASt
    for me
    my friEnd
    and it’s why
    i alWays come back
    on the 6th of each month..
    simply ’cause i can.. and Love WiLLs..
    11:55 pM now..
    8 minutes
    juSt for you..
    it doesn’t take
    much to be a friend but jusT do it..:)

  4. Sweet Lala. Uhhhhh, this is soooooo heart wrenching, my friend. So transparent, vulnerable and real. I LOVE it. You are so brave and bold for sharing and exposing your inner most heart. I’m so glad you did. I will be praying for you. You are very dear to my heart.
    Much love and blessings to you sweetie.
    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. sMiLes.. my friEnd.. Lala Rukh..
    funny how time stands sTiLL
    for me.. i never lose
    a friend..
    i never
    lose
    A FeeLinG
    or A seNse.. at
    LeASt not anymore
    seNse and FeeL since
    i came back from death as liFe..
    and sure.. it will be the 6th again by the
    time i finish this in this month of February
    and it’s interesting as all along your blog now
    IS A summary of what i have been up to along the way..
    and i suppose i could consolidate that all one day and make
    the story of
    my life
    as inspired
    by Lala Rukh’s
    blog here and the
    one before this as that
    came too.. so.. what’s new with
    you.. i’LL wait around for you to tale me
    of course.. as again time stands still for me..
    always now as Heaven my friEnd for now..
    and that’s how it is in Heaven when
    i say time stands still as there
    is no time at all whereas
    as mentioned before in
    hell all is time
    where a thousand
    years is one second and
    less/more as piece of paper existence
    separated as far from God as one can
    get wHeRe Heaven now is as close to the
    God of Nature all thAT is plUs.. seen and unseen..
    and felt and unfelt and sensed and not sensed when
    one sees.. feels.. and senses more and more of God alWays
    NoW.. with no words that will ever be created to fully describe that
    my friENd as that is an essence of all that is.. far far far beyond hUMan
    Abstract constructed forms to express the essence of all that is.. ever groWinG
    as LiGht and TrUth beYOnd words NoW.. and all othEr hUman symbols constructed
    to this
    point
    in abstract
    way at LeASt..
    but hey.. approximations
    come and go as so do revisions
    as new bibles as i am currently now
    on my third revision named ‘Nether Land
    Bible 2017’.. now in the 73rd Macroverse of that
    exceeding 1.093 MiLlioN words as of A 72nd verse
    as this current 73rd MacroVerse is titled ‘bRinG BacK
    JeSus aLiVe 2017’.. yes what y’aLL name ISA as such as
    thaT too.. of course.. no one in science way knows who he really
    is as that person was created by many desert wanders in dusty road
    round table tradition.. scribed throughout the centuries with mistakes
    unwittingly and witting changes too as biblical scholars clearly show too..
    but hey.. tHeRE is that HoLY spiRit of creaTiVity.. co-Creating wiTh god also
    kNown and FeLT and SenSed iN soME circles StILL as prophecy now and that
    is what ‘they’ call John 14:12 over here in even Fundamentalist Christian land of
    course and the only likely original author by Saul then Paul.. suggesting that he got
    his words
    from
    Holy
    Spirit
    FloW directly
    from a source to
    goD too.. sure.. i do that
    too.. how the else could this
    Holy SpiRit be uPon me now..
    for closing in on 48 months aka
    four years at the end of this month
    when that first spark of the perspectives
    of life given to me by God.. all innately.. instinctually
    and intuitively came on around the end of February 2013..
    in yes.. holy spirit flow as just another mesSage to another friend
    on that PM thingie on Facebook.. then.. sure.. my only and first so-called
    Facebook Friend then.. anyway now all part of the longest long form poem now
    a riSinG at 744 MacroVerses/3.3M words plUs too.. and sure.. a great way to summarize
    aLL thAT aGain and catch up with you for what i’ve been doing lately.. since i can only remotely
    guess
    what
    you
    are doing
    now.. which i hope
    is well on the upswing
    my friend as the Wheels of Life
    do continue on with or without us now..
    as i do still remember.. you my friend.. as time stands still
    for
    me
    at
    LEAst..
    as Love..:)

  6. WeLL.. what’s news today.. good news
    perHaps in a world becoming more
    chaotic and out of order
    as such
    even
    in the
    heavily
    usually regulated
    U.S… hmm.. a lot of
    detail in my last month’s
    6th of the month message to you..
    friEnd.. Lala Rukh who i have known
    altogeTheR for almost a full 42 months
    of Heaven out of fresh and spoiLed HeLL
    for 66 months as of the third week this month..
    i didn’t know
    you in
    Hell
    and i suppose
    you are a reminder
    of the Heaven i stay
    now albeit a few heavy
    word crosses along the way
    in Heaven sTiLL as my last cross
    completed iN mostly joy and a little bit
    of work was is “Grand Cross Bible of 2016”..
    as surely as medical literature dictates with a
    pain of type two trigeminal neuralgia assessed
    as worse than the torture of crucifixion from wake
    to sleep for all of those 66 months until i met you as
    sort of a ‘white pearl’ sign and harbinger of better things
    to come for me
    including what
    surely seemed
    like Unconditional
    Love for a faceless 53 year
    old man way back then.. along
    with all the other commenters on
    your blog as you said then this is our
    blog and not just yours.. yes.. i still look
    at it that way my frieNd as a family place
    wHere love
    is thicker
    than blood
    or flesh or gender
    or age.. or nationality..
    creed or particular human
    constructed abstract otHeR labEL
    for even God and all the disabilities
    and sexual orientations and other bio
    and neuro-Diversities of all creation that
    make up thE God that is all that is real
    and no myth alone..
    or fairy
    tale
    or
    even religion alone
    or culture or human
    or anything even
    human
    can
    imagine allone
    on eARth these
    days and all the days
    thaT cAMe before.. so.. sure
    that bible i finished in 6 months from
    Memorial Day to Christmas Night at 12:58
    Central Time in the U.S. oF A comprised of
    61 Of what i name as Macro-Verses averaging
    15K words each for a total of 915K words that exceeds
    what they name as the current King James Version of a Bible
    iN about a New Testament size larger than what it took centuries
    of many many men and likely zero women to complete as they were
    not allowed
    to do that
    way
    back then..
    as a Gospel
    of Mary was
    never allowed
    by the Nicene Council
    iN Rome of 325 AD iF iT
    even made iT that far iN A
    continuing sEE of patriarchy since
    on or about the break out of Agriculture
    10K to 12K years ago.. wHere beFore thAt
    and sTiLL iN so-Called current primitive societies
    the women are more in charge as they feel how to cooperate
    and don’t
    do it
    by
    hoarding
    and doling out
    grains stored in
    silos taller and taller
    as Trump Towers can become
    sky and God the same as houses
    and love as cars and clothes and all that
    comes away
    from the
    Nature
    of God
    who
    lives
    with us
    as mE’s STiLL now..
    anyWaY aS always i sTreAM
    to Rivers to waves of oceans
    with endless shores
    of bliss
    for
    now..
    this heaven
    place on eARTh
    IS A Great one in humiLiTy
    that never ever needs a reward
    from someone else.. to give is enough
    and like i said i’LL be around as long as
    tHis pARt oF yOUr HeARt iS oPen oN LiNE..
    i suppose tHeir was/IS A reAson i was the first sophomore
    ever in my high school as noted back then to be inducted
    into the National Honor Society at age 15 back then.. while i
    go beyond the social norm now and religious ones too.. i don’t break
    my promises
    my friEnd
    noW as i
    continue
    to back
    that integrity
    and honor as nows go on..
    iN otheR words mY FriEnd as
    you once sAid.. i am a real perSon..
    i AM LOVE..
    and WiTh
    Love
    i say
    and
    DancE
    and SinG
    see yA later FriEnd..
    i Love you and that’s enough for me..:)

  7. Hi.. Lala Rukh.. the
    6th.. it is of December
    and also the birthday
    of my X-Catholic Priest
    Grandfather who would have
    been 121 years old.. but he..
    dying in 1950.. at 54.. a year and a half younger
    than me noW as fortunately for me.. a liFe
    that almost came to an end at age 47
    continues on for another 9 years..
    yes.. if my greatest
    wish had happened
    then.. there would
    be no 33 months
    after that
    to be
    trapped
    in a mind where
    eyes and ears no longer
    worked with the worst pain
    known to humankind then.. no
    strength in spirit to write that first
    word on the Wrong Planet on Thanks
    Giving of 2010.. or now a ThanksGiving
    this year in celebration of writing 12 million
    words that was only 6 million or so when i first
    met you when i came out of earthly hell on or about
    July 22nd of 2013.. coinciding with that Star of David
    Planetary Alignment thingy we talked about after then..
    i was gonna need a lot of moral support online to accomplish
    what will be 6666 miles of Dance Walking an all free style of
    martial arts and ballet-like dance in what will be on or about
    the end of 2016 in all public places in my metro area i go
    since the beginning of September of 2013.. and yes
    writing a 42 month witness for God in longest long
    form poem ever in the history of humankind still
    exceeding the other one at 1.8 million words
    from India named the ‘Mahabharata’ where
    now this 727th MacroVerse still exceeds
    over 3.3 million words measured at
    the 42 month point since i started
    this entire blog adventure back on
    March 10th.. of 2013.. remember
    when i told you.. still documented
    in that Blog in July of 2013 that
    you were gonna help me then
    deliver a special message
    of sorts as i had a ‘vision’
    as such when i was 21
    that someone from
    the East would
    help me do
    this one
    day..
    well.. you did
    and you continue
    to do that and the moral
    support you provided me in
    the early days where i was growing
    my Grinch heArt that once was.. to 10 times
    or more for what then would come to be now
    my FriEnd.. was truly instrumental in noW all of what
    comes as is for Now.. and you are currently the longest
    standing friend originating online that i am still keeping in contact now as the
    previous longest one way way back on the Wrong Planet in 2010 has left
    the web sphere.. my friEnd Leah from Germany who promises to find me
    one day again if she ever comes back.. and the second one.. Angel
    Mind Retrofit.. before Leah actually came back to be a friend with
    me online.. who introduced me to the dVerse Poetry site that made
    all those words possible too of poetry and my development as
    such.. erased her public blog presence,, too.. as well as the
    Mags Burch woman who was also on the Autism Spectrum
    along with those three.. who erased her existence from
    Social Media as well.. the only one i could find who
    supported me in the Autism Communities
    and my first and only Facebook friend..
    back when it seemed like i was the
    only one who had a frigging
    heArt in a land
    of zombies
    then
    with cold
    hearted souls
    of us vs them..
    anyWay.. at the point
    where i actually escaped hell..
    you were tHeRe and provided words
    of Unconditional Love and thAT was A
    tUrning point iN my life.. my FriEnd
    from Hell to Heaven as iSreal then..
    anyway2.. as i gave ThanksGiving
    this Thanks Giving for all of that
    i give Thanks Giving to you my
    friEnd as you also led me
    as a participant on your
    site from where i first
    saw your white pearl
    on Mind Retrofit’s
    blog to one of my
    bests friends
    online
    Rafiah..
    who has
    stood by my
    side since you got
    married and the writing
    spirit was no longer yours
    to share.. and so many other
    nice folks from your area in South
    Asia have come into my life online since
    then.. as sure there have been some very difficult
    days in the very backwards place that i witness for
    God in Public Dance.. thing is.. the legend.. the general
    audience says i have become in this metro area now.. yes..
    is one of freedom for those who feel outcast who shouldn’t
    have to worry about what folks think about them to be able to express
    ALL OF WHO THEY ARE IN THIS LIFE NOW.. and that freedom NOW..
    my friend
    is the
    message
    i bRinG.. it’s
    rather simple
    iN a Free DancE
    and SonG of Fearless
    smARt and Unconditional
    Love.. but truly it has been
    the job of JOB and StiLL is to
    get out to everyone.. iN FAct
    it is impossible for one human
    being.. or one savior.. one last prophet
    or whatever now exists,, to
    save our species as we
    aLL who have God who
    lives iN wE muST
    do iT toGeTher
    less misery
    and suffering..
    pain and discontent
    and overall stress and
    worry and fear and hate
    continue to rule pockets
    of the world and even expand more…
    the species will be here for some time as now to come..
    the thing is.. living life fully alive in free beats dead walls of life now..
    Other than that
    look forward to
    talking to you again
    whenever you will and
    feel to come back.. and never
    the less thanks for keeping a line
    of communication open.. as truly
    it is sad when friends close down for good
    or for whatever reason they leave.. my FriEnd..
    and never the less for all
    of that.. contact and
    connection
    in life
    leads
    to more
    in all of
    social media now..
    we explore new areas
    by the power of the word.. eTc..
    that we might have never traveled
    around the globe without this great phone
    of communication and pen pal same.. wHerE this
    web IS A web of not only discontent.. malcontent..
    and generalized fear and hate.. too.. yes.. hope and love
    warm and fuzzy
    that rules
    in so
    many
    webbed
    pockets
    around the
    globe that
    holds hands too..
    it’s a trail my friend..
    the whole thing with
    many friendly and lovely hands too.. Thanks.. aGaiN..
    for hOlding my webbed hand when i reAlly needed a good friEnd..
    And yeah.. i kNow.. i’ve used
    ‘That SonG’ with you beFore
    but it isn’t getting
    old
    for
    me.. my FriEnd..
    i sensE..
    i FeeL..:)

  8. The fact that it’s your life story more or less, breaks my heart. Because I can imagine the anguish that little girl had to go through and all the loneliness and oh the loneliness…that depression. Everything ripped my heart and I was left in tears. It was too relatable for me. It just shows how impactful your words were even if they were plain simple. It’s not the words, it’s the feelings that count. And with this poem, all I could do was “feel” as I read it. I hope your pain soothes and your lifelong wound heal ❤️

  9. As I always Say you write beautiful…And I also always say try to see the other side of life…You stopped writing when there was no sadness in your life…Try scribing when your r happy too.. I am sure you will write more beautiful lines.. 🙂
    Cheer Up… There is always Good Times after bad and vice versa…

  10. Its a Beautiful poem, yes i also wrote my first poem when i was going through very hard times, so the words just used to come out, but as things change as time always doesn’t remain the same, the words lost their sting and began to fade away, so its after quite a while that i wrote poetry. I can totally relate to your poem (in a very different > guys perspective) 🙂

  11. Well.. my FriEnd.. Lala.. blessed and cursed with close
    to a photographic movie making memories in life..
    i don’t have go back to look at the first poem
    you wrote that i responded to with words
    about a child i had lost that somehow
    i guess i found in you for awhile
    in female form.. so
    i suppose
    we are
    all looking
    for some love
    we miss in life some
    way my friEnd.. anyWay
    i am very happy that you are
    no longer so depressed and full
    of despair.. often it is hard to tale
    in the ups and downs.. fiction and non-fiction
    of your words.. the highs and lows i’Ve kNown and
    FeeL all too well and poor of liFE too.. and a place
    of loft i lived for decades and three years now too..
    after 66 months of hell on earth.. and one to two
    years of hell when your age then.. so anyway..
    i can feel your pain
    and pleasure
    in someways
    i’ve been
    in so many
    shoes in juST
    one life now.. and
    your shoes.. both dARk
    and liGht helped in as watching
    them to remember the feelings of
    EmoTiOns of shoes of past.. so i say
    thank you dear for being a friend like this
    too.. and i understand the heart that goes silent
    for words to give and share too.. i wish for you to
    continue writing as it is a gift to use.. and to continue
    to practice never worrying about what others feel or
    think of the heARt.. SpiRit and SoUl to be shared..
    and glad to hear you say the name of Allah as that
    was a Force that drove you to liGht beFore my frieNd..
    Bottom line Happy mY liFe my FriEnd iN alWays now Love..:)

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