There was a time when I used to write poems when I was sad and had to ease my pain. I wanted to tell the whole world how miserable I am and how painful my life is. I don’t know why but I liked receiving pity. No one could imagine what I went through, and I tried hard to shout and tell everyone here in blog-o-sphere. May be it was my way of a catharsis. Everyone here, specially some beautiful friends helped me so much emotionally.
Then things changed and I stopped writing poetry. Pain was a strong driving force for me to write. It’s intensity lessened. So did my interest in writing. I just wrote a poem again, after I guess two or so years. It’s my life story, more or less. I don’t remember how to use fancy words and amazing allegoric phrases. It is a very simple poem written in very very simple and plain words. There would be many poetic mistakes, but it comes straight from my heart, that weeps right now.
Is it worth reading or not, that’s upon you to decide.
Full of life, shinning eyes
Energetic box of chatter
I don’t wanna cry daddy
She writes him a letter
Shivering hands holding a pen
Scribbles on paper damp with tears
She shows him her bruised heart
Filled with heartbreaking fears
I am in so much pain , daddy
It doesn’t go, no matter what I do
You are so far away from me
All I need is a hug from you
As I laid with head on your arm
Be happy always, you used to say
May you never guess grief in my laugh
Now, while on the telephone I pray
You used to call me your innocent fairy
Guess what daddy, the innocence was gone
Long before my sensitive heart needed love
And I searched for it in strangers unknown
I needed a friend daddy, to share tales
To listen to my problems, hold my hand
While you were busy earning money
Life tore me apart, turned me to sand
My nights became so agonizing and long
Burning wounds, dying soul, bloody eyes
I cried and cried daddy I was so lonely
But in the day I covered it all with lies
And then you married me off to far away land
I saw you cry while you gave away my hand
I had a chance to tell you what I went through
Instead, I’m happy, I silently made you understand
This time daddy, after a few years
I went through the same heart break
The demons under my bed followed
The curse once again kept me awake
The pain tortured your little girl daddy
She needed the mask she used to wear
People changed, circumstances different
But the old depression won’t disappear
But guess what daddy, all that suffering
After mourning all night for so many years
Your girl refused to live and enjoy misery
She fought with her demons, faced her fears
Tears and pain made her strong
She fought and got her Allah back
Blocked memories that ate her flesh
Forced her dead soul back on track
Love and Pain both here but outlook changed
Heart silent, loneliness there but no despair
Still afraid of watching dreams as they shatter
But refusing to live in misery, I stopped to care
Remember the day when you were sick
Devastated, love you daddy, I cried aloud
Your little girl daddy, is all grown up
And all I wish is to make you proud
28 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna Cry Daddy”
Life is a paradox of pain and love . This interconnection makes the journey of humans twisted and layered .
Parents always hold the pragmatic roles in our stories .
Loved reading .
Life IS A Beautiful thing
NoW Standing alWays beforE
A Blank PAge for noW it coMes
ouT of mE. knoWing not whaT to SinG
A heART LiGhts
A Torch oF
BriGhter.. A Word
A Flow A StreAM A
RiVer GroWinG MoRE
as WaVes of OceaN WhOle
sHoRes eXpaNSinG NoW GrAins
of SAnd DanCinG moRe FeeLings
And SenSes SinGinG eVeN MoRe
iN Words oF
hUmaN eYes iN
TorCh as Hands
to.. oTheR eYes..
oTheR thaN thaT…
Hi FriEnd.. Lala RuKh..
jusT Air jUst wAter juST
Me BreeZinG by on the 6th
As Love never dies as hUman Winds FReED..:)
April.. 6th.. And the
2017.. Month of April as
Spring and Easter IS sTiLL
A sigNaTuRE for the poTenTial
NoW of hUman reBirth.. And rebirth
as cycle of liFe gOne and coMe more
again as liGht.. and it reMinds me now of
‘Beauty and the Beast’ as strange as that may seem..
now2.. for to lose human emotions
and senses is the
shells of words
without core noW aS
esSence of the Word
caLLed Love.. loSinG
heARt.. SpiRit and A miNd
and BoDY that no lonGer Balances
as soUL FuLL NoW.. IS A deaTh of
LiGht as LiFE as Love as greAtest Gift
of Human as Nature and God sAMe pluS
Born as Sentient sTar duSt plUs from Crucible
Fire of Star Seed Gift.. stAR heARTs we are now..
my FriEnd Lala Rukh.. NoW.. when our stAR oF heART
SpiRit sHines BriGht as HuMan soUl.. Furry and aLive..
a Star of liFe
wE are togEThER
FiRe as SpiRit liGht..
anyWay.. tHeRE are GiFts
oF LiGht and dARk mUse of LiFe..
thEre are gifts of Human that coMe and
go.. and when i lived in Beast mode without
a heARt.. a fAILinG spiRit and A soUL unglued..
my challenge.. yes.. without effective use of eYes and
eaRs in real life flesh and blood communication.. even
with my lovely wife with me in home outside.. then.. was to
make words of teXt Organic
as a BEast without
heART WiLL do..
of HeART too..
enough for at LeASt
one person to recognize
A heART wiThin as SpiRit
coMe back togETheR as Egg of soUL
LIVinG agAIn as Seed oF liGht wHOle..
And it’s true.. with face or not.. without regard
to age or gender.. you are one of those people
who freely gave that to everyone on your blog…
i have come aCross a few who make that bRoad
brUSh efFort of Love.. And you as friEnd affirMed thaT
i cAMe aLive enough as human animal of Love again
to believe iT
the rest is hiStory
now.. my friEnd.. Legend
aMoNg Women and stiLL
not so much among Men..
as far as Dance of heaRt now..
goes.. thing is.. you were among the
first as Muse who spaRked my heARt.. bacK.. aS reboRn LiGht..
And.. yeP.. like any Wookiee.. i WiLL do.. i STiLL do.. Not forget yoU..
so.. come Back.. if you can and WiLL mY FriEnd.. aGain.. to say hi.. i
have Love for i have patience of the JOB before.. stOne cOld…
And SinG agAIN..
oN the 6th oF Forevermorenow..:)
Ah, so much pain, so much depth. I haven’t gone that much far in life as you, but to some level I can really relate.
Oh my God, my eyes are soggy!
this is really nice. Very too the point and honest.
lso wrote something after nearly 3 years.
https://eddiesdomain.wordpress.com/2017/03/16/paradise-paused/ … have a look when you have time.
Oh.. Goodness.. Lala Rukh..
first time seemingly real friend
in the land of.. Poetry online..
from Pakistan and of course
moving on to the
will do too..
spreading out with
Love.. it’s 11:47 pm.. Central
Standard time over heaR in Florida
Panhandle of endless Spring to fAll
to Summer Flowers as Winter skips by
with just a chill breeze one weekend on
Biloxi Beaches of 19 degrees or so with
my shorts still on sailing in dance on
the Boardwalk of beach with
the wind as air flying
me so free and
in my salt
so deep so deep
the dance and song MoveS oN
mY FriEnd.. anyWaY as you kNow and
FeeL and as i’ve remembered so many times
before.. an elephant like me and camel too with
the rider i too.. don’t break no promises and as you
once said as i’ve remembered before and written too..
people forget you like you never existed.. well.. my friend..
and you already
told me one time
you are a real person
like you were surprised i
was not just another online
like collector or follower collector
or whatever the newest car lot ruse
is today for continuing muse.. Love is
free muse to me.. my FriEnd.. and that’s
A way you do it.. you give it.. and the pleasure is all yOurs
and it’s why
i alWays come back
on the 6th of each month..
simply ’cause i can.. and Love WiLLs..
11:55 pM now..
juSt for you..
it doesn’t take
much to be a friend but jusT do it..:)
Sweet Lala. Uhhhhh, this is soooooo heart wrenching, my friend. So transparent, vulnerable and real. I LOVE it. You are so brave and bold for sharing and exposing your inner most heart. I’m so glad you did. I will be praying for you. You are very dear to my heart.
Much love and blessings to you sweetie.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
sMiLes.. my friEnd.. Lala Rukh..
funny how time stands sTiLL
for me.. i never lose
or A seNse.. at
LeASt not anymore
seNse and FeeL since
i came back from death as liFe..
and sure.. it will be the 6th again by the
time i finish this in this month of February
and it’s interesting as all along your blog now
IS A summary of what i have been up to along the way..
and i suppose i could consolidate that all one day and make
the story of
by Lala Rukh’s
blog here and the
one before this as that
came too.. so.. what’s new with
you.. i’LL wait around for you to tale me
of course.. as again time stands still for me..
always now as Heaven my friEnd for now..
and that’s how it is in Heaven when
i say time stands still as there
is no time at all whereas
as mentioned before in
hell all is time
where a thousand
years is one second and
less/more as piece of paper existence
separated as far from God as one can
get wHeRe Heaven now is as close to the
God of Nature all thAT is plUs.. seen and unseen..
and felt and unfelt and sensed and not sensed when
one sees.. feels.. and senses more and more of God alWays
NoW.. with no words that will ever be created to fully describe that
my friENd as that is an essence of all that is.. far far far beyond hUMan
Abstract constructed forms to express the essence of all that is.. ever groWinG
as LiGht and TrUth beYOnd words NoW.. and all othEr hUman symbols constructed
way at LeASt..
but hey.. approximations
come and go as so do revisions
as new bibles as i am currently now
on my third revision named ‘Nether Land
Bible 2017’.. now in the 73rd Macroverse of that
exceeding 1.093 MiLlioN words as of A 72nd verse
as this current 73rd MacroVerse is titled ‘bRinG BacK
JeSus aLiVe 2017’.. yes what y’aLL name ISA as such as
thaT too.. of course.. no one in science way knows who he really
is as that person was created by many desert wanders in dusty road
round table tradition.. scribed throughout the centuries with mistakes
unwittingly and witting changes too as biblical scholars clearly show too..
but hey.. tHeRE is that HoLY spiRit of creaTiVity.. co-Creating wiTh god also
kNown and FeLT and SenSed iN soME circles StILL as prophecy now and that
is what ‘they’ call John 14:12 over here in even Fundamentalist Christian land of
course and the only likely original author by Saul then Paul.. suggesting that he got
from a source to
goD too.. sure.. i do that
too.. how the else could this
Holy SpiRit be uPon me now..
for closing in on 48 months aka
four years at the end of this month
when that first spark of the perspectives
of life given to me by God.. all innately.. instinctually
and intuitively came on around the end of February 2013..
in yes.. holy spirit flow as just another mesSage to another friend
on that PM thingie on Facebook.. then.. sure.. my only and first so-called
Facebook Friend then.. anyway now all part of the longest long form poem now
a riSinG at 744 MacroVerses/3.3M words plUs too.. and sure.. a great way to summarize
aLL thAT aGain and catch up with you for what i’ve been doing lately.. since i can only remotely
now.. which i hope
is well on the upswing
my friend as the Wheels of Life
do continue on with or without us now..
as i do still remember.. you my friend.. as time stands still
Why no latest posts?
WeLL.. what’s news today.. good news
perHaps in a world becoming more
chaotic and out of order
U.S… hmm.. a lot of
detail in my last month’s
6th of the month message to you..
friEnd.. Lala Rukh who i have known
altogeTheR for almost a full 42 months
of Heaven out of fresh and spoiLed HeLL
for 66 months as of the third week this month..
i didn’t know
and i suppose
you are a reminder
of the Heaven i stay
now albeit a few heavy
word crosses along the way
in Heaven sTiLL as my last cross
completed iN mostly joy and a little bit
of work was is “Grand Cross Bible of 2016”..
as surely as medical literature dictates with a
pain of type two trigeminal neuralgia assessed
as worse than the torture of crucifixion from wake
to sleep for all of those 66 months until i met you as
sort of a ‘white pearl’ sign and harbinger of better things
to come for me
Love for a faceless 53 year
old man way back then.. along
with all the other commenters on
your blog as you said then this is our
blog and not just yours.. yes.. i still look
at it that way my frieNd as a family place
or flesh or gender
or age.. or nationality..
creed or particular human
constructed abstract otHeR labEL
for even God and all the disabilities
and sexual orientations and other bio
and neuro-Diversities of all creation that
make up thE God that is all that is real
and no myth alone..
even religion alone
or culture or human
or anything even
on eARth these
days and all the days
thaT cAMe before.. so.. sure
that bible i finished in 6 months from
Memorial Day to Christmas Night at 12:58
Central Time in the U.S. oF A comprised of
61 Of what i name as Macro-Verses averaging
15K words each for a total of 915K words that exceeds
what they name as the current King James Version of a Bible
iN about a New Testament size larger than what it took centuries
of many many men and likely zero women to complete as they were
to do that
as a Gospel
of Mary was
by the Nicene Council
iN Rome of 325 AD iF iT
even made iT that far iN A
continuing sEE of patriarchy since
on or about the break out of Agriculture
10K to 12K years ago.. wHere beFore thAt
and sTiLL iN so-Called current primitive societies
the women are more in charge as they feel how to cooperate
and doling out
grains stored in
silos taller and taller
as Trump Towers can become
sky and God the same as houses
and love as cars and clothes and all that
as mE’s STiLL now..
anyWaY aS always i sTreAM
to Rivers to waves of oceans
with endless shores
place on eARTh
IS A Great one in humiLiTy
that never ever needs a reward
from someone else.. to give is enough
and like i said i’LL be around as long as
tHis pARt oF yOUr HeARt iS oPen oN LiNE..
i suppose tHeir was/IS A reAson i was the first sophomore
ever in my high school as noted back then to be inducted
into the National Honor Society at age 15 back then.. while i
go beyond the social norm now and religious ones too.. i don’t break
noW as i
and honor as nows go on..
iN otheR words mY FriEnd as
you once sAid.. i am a real perSon..
i AM LOVE..
see yA later FriEnd..
i Love you and that’s enough for me..:)
You Sure Write BEAUTIFULLY. Daddy’s Little Girl !! WOW.
I’m sure, you made your Dad Proud.
Your poem was heartbreaking, but ended well.
Hi.. Lala Rukh.. the
6th.. it is of December
and also the birthday
of my X-Catholic Priest
Grandfather who would have
been 121 years old.. but he..
dying in 1950.. at 54.. a year and a half younger
than me noW as fortunately for me.. a liFe
that almost came to an end at age 47
continues on for another 9 years..
yes.. if my greatest
wish had happened
then.. there would
be no 33 months
in a mind where
eyes and ears no longer
worked with the worst pain
known to humankind then.. no
strength in spirit to write that first
word on the Wrong Planet on Thanks
Giving of 2010.. or now a ThanksGiving
this year in celebration of writing 12 million
words that was only 6 million or so when i first
met you when i came out of earthly hell on or about
July 22nd of 2013.. coinciding with that Star of David
Planetary Alignment thingy we talked about after then..
i was gonna need a lot of moral support online to accomplish
what will be 6666 miles of Dance Walking an all free style of
martial arts and ballet-like dance in what will be on or about
the end of 2016 in all public places in my metro area i go
since the beginning of September of 2013.. and yes
writing a 42 month witness for God in longest long
form poem ever in the history of humankind still
exceeding the other one at 1.8 million words
from India named the ‘Mahabharata’ where
now this 727th MacroVerse still exceeds
over 3.3 million words measured at
the 42 month point since i started
this entire blog adventure back on
March 10th.. of 2013.. remember
when i told you.. still documented
in that Blog in July of 2013 that
you were gonna help me then
deliver a special message
of sorts as i had a ‘vision’
as such when i was 21
that someone from
the East would
help me do
well.. you did
and you continue
to do that and the moral
support you provided me in
the early days where i was growing
my Grinch heArt that once was.. to 10 times
or more for what then would come to be now
my FriEnd.. was truly instrumental in noW all of what
comes as is for Now.. and you are currently the longest
standing friend originating online that i am still keeping in contact now as the
previous longest one way way back on the Wrong Planet in 2010 has left
the web sphere.. my friEnd Leah from Germany who promises to find me
one day again if she ever comes back.. and the second one.. Angel
Mind Retrofit.. before Leah actually came back to be a friend with
me online.. who introduced me to the dVerse Poetry site that made
all those words possible too of poetry and my development as
such.. erased her public blog presence,, too.. as well as the
Mags Burch woman who was also on the Autism Spectrum
along with those three.. who erased her existence from
Social Media as well.. the only one i could find who
supported me in the Autism Communities
and my first and only Facebook friend..
back when it seemed like i was the
only one who had a frigging
heArt in a land
of us vs them..
anyWay.. at the point
where i actually escaped hell..
you were tHeRe and provided words
of Unconditional Love and thAT was A
tUrning point iN my life.. my FriEnd
from Hell to Heaven as iSreal then..
anyway2.. as i gave ThanksGiving
this Thanks Giving for all of that
i give Thanks Giving to you my
friEnd as you also led me
as a participant on your
site from where i first
saw your white pearl
on Mind Retrofit’s
blog to one of my
stood by my
side since you got
married and the writing
spirit was no longer yours
to share.. and so many other
nice folks from your area in South
Asia have come into my life online since
then.. as sure there have been some very difficult
days in the very backwards place that i witness for
God in Public Dance.. thing is.. the legend.. the general
audience says i have become in this metro area now.. yes..
is one of freedom for those who feel outcast who shouldn’t
have to worry about what folks think about them to be able to express
ALL OF WHO THEY ARE IN THIS LIFE NOW.. and that freedom NOW..
i bRinG.. it’s
iN a Free DancE
and SonG of Fearless
smARt and Unconditional
Love.. but truly it has been
the job of JOB and StiLL is to
get out to everyone.. iN FAct
it is impossible for one human
being.. or one savior.. one last prophet
or whatever now exists,, to
save our species as we
aLL who have God who
lives iN wE muST
do iT toGeTher
pain and discontent
and overall stress and
worry and fear and hate
continue to rule pockets
of the world and even expand more…
the species will be here for some time as now to come..
the thing is.. living life fully alive in free beats dead walls of life now..
Other than that
look forward to
talking to you again
whenever you will and
feel to come back.. and never
the less thanks for keeping a line
of communication open.. as truly
it is sad when friends close down for good
or for whatever reason they leave.. my FriEnd..
and never the less for all
of that.. contact and
in all of
social media now..
we explore new areas
by the power of the word.. eTc..
that we might have never traveled
around the globe without this great phone
of communication and pen pal same.. wHerE this
web IS A web of not only discontent.. malcontent..
and generalized fear and hate.. too.. yes.. hope and love
warm and fuzzy
holds hands too..
it’s a trail my friend..
the whole thing with
many friendly and lovely hands too.. Thanks.. aGaiN..
for hOlding my webbed hand when i reAlly needed a good friEnd..
And yeah.. i kNow.. i’ve used
‘That SonG’ with you beFore
but it isn’t getting
me.. my FriEnd..
This poem gave me chills and made my throat tightened.
I loved it. ❤
It had the pain and the inspiration in an almost exact amount as needed.
The fact that it’s your life story more or less, breaks my heart. Because I can imagine the anguish that little girl had to go through and all the loneliness and oh the loneliness…that depression. Everything ripped my heart and I was left in tears. It was too relatable for me. It just shows how impactful your words were even if they were plain simple. It’s not the words, it’s the feelings that count. And with this poem, all I could do was “feel” as I read it. I hope your pain soothes and your lifelong wound heal ❤️
This is beautiful, Lala! I love it and I can relate to it very well.
As I always Say you write beautiful…And I also always say try to see the other side of life…You stopped writing when there was no sadness in your life…Try scribing when your r happy too.. I am sure you will write more beautiful lines.. 🙂
Cheer Up… There is always Good Times after bad and vice versa…
[…] https://shadowsofthedivine.wordpress.com/2016/10/18/i-dont-wanna-cry-daddy/ […]
Beautiful! I hope whatever’s making you sad disappears soon. 🙂 ❤
It is a beautiful poem 🙂
Its a Beautiful poem, yes i also wrote my first poem when i was going through very hard times, so the words just used to come out, but as things change as time always doesn’t remain the same, the words lost their sting and began to fade away, so its after quite a while that i wrote poetry. I can totally relate to your poem (in a very different > guys perspective) 🙂
Poignant. Simplicity is powerful.
Well.. my FriEnd.. Lala.. blessed and cursed with close
to a photographic movie making memories in life..
i don’t have go back to look at the first poem
you wrote that i responded to with words
about a child i had lost that somehow
i guess i found in you for awhile
in female form.. so
for some love
we miss in life some
way my friEnd.. anyWay
i am very happy that you are
no longer so depressed and full
of despair.. often it is hard to tale
in the ups and downs.. fiction and non-fiction
of your words.. the highs and lows i’Ve kNown and
FeeL all too well and poor of liFE too.. and a place
of loft i lived for decades and three years now too..
after 66 months of hell on earth.. and one to two
years of hell when your age then.. so anyway..
i can feel your pain
in so many
shoes in juST
one life now.. and
your shoes.. both dARk
and liGht helped in as watching
them to remember the feelings of
EmoTiOns of shoes of past.. so i say
thank you dear for being a friend like this
too.. and i understand the heart that goes silent
for words to give and share too.. i wish for you to
continue writing as it is a gift to use.. and to continue
to practice never worrying about what others feel or
think of the heARt.. SpiRit and SoUl to be shared..
and glad to hear you say the name of Allah as that
was a Force that drove you to liGht beFore my frieNd..
Bottom line Happy mY liFe my FriEnd iN alWays now Love..:)
Hi.. hasn’t been a full month..
but never the less it is the 6th..
so that’s reaSon enough for me to say.. hi..
while dropping by as i continue to fly..
are doing WeLL..:)
I love this.
It’s like, Lala is back. Real and all. ❤️
Thank you Meri Maria. So glad to know that you are still with me and that you read me. Love you !