Sitting there on the floor in the middle of the night and staring at the fog covered window, she looks like a complete mess. She has sore red skin around her nails and her back aches like hell. Tears are rolling down her cheeks that sink into her messy hair making them a bigger mess. But she don’t care. Nothing matters anymore.
Everything around her is awfully silent. This carpet, the walls, the golden vase in the window, the overly caring sleeping husband, the ticking clock, one of the two hearts in the room…. Everything. Except that scary gust of wind that shoos away the silence from time to time. Reminding her of some nostalgic moments back home and of the fact that she is awake. Not sleeping. It’s almost midnight. And she doesn’t have insomnia.
There is no moon today. Sky is all dark and red and frightening. Like in horror movies. Where suddenly a vampire jumps at an innocent victim to suck blood out of it. Only, the difference here is, the victim is already devoid of blood, and life. There is just a lot of hollowness and quiet. This much quiet is dreadful.
Why isn’t this fog disappearing? And why isn’t time moving any faster? And why isn’t this mind shutting up already? It has to do a lot of thinking tomorrow. Once again. Lots and lots of crap. About her painful past. And fruitless present. And fearful future.
Oh and I forgot to mention, she does just go with the flow. Smooth. Because you know, only the dead can go with the flow. The alive, they fight. Till the last breath. And she? She hadn’t took a breath in for a long time. Along the road of breathing through an oxygen mask somewhere, she forgot to do it on her own even when she had a chance. Some things we can choose to forget, some things we can’t.
Oh and did I mention, that that ‘she’ is me? Right now? I think I should get some sleep. This sound of rain, it makes me feel dizzy. Stormy gushes were a lot better !
White Shadows 
It’s been a while since I heard from you or saw you around. Hope you are well. Miss your presence here. Much love,
Zee ❤️
Hi Zee. Thanks so much for missing me. I miss you too and this space and my writing. I hope I’ll be able to write again someday. Much Love to you. Hope you are doing great ! xx
You will write again. How can I a great writer like you begin to stop ! Just know we are patiently waiting for your return and always will 🌺💗
I write. and then stop and then write again. Can’t do anything continuously. Thanks so much for always supporting me Love. Stay blessed xx
As long as you keep trying, it’s alright Lala. Always here for you🌺💗
Oh. This….was chilling. I don’t know what is the appropriate thing to say here, since every word you wrote there left me in awe. Reading this reminded me of something I wrote on the similar lines a while ago- the stormy night and everything..but not even half as good as this.
I hope you are feeling a little better now Lala, love you loads my dear sister ❤
A Big warm fuzzy hug !! ❤
Thank you for your sweetest hug. I was feeling depressed the time I wrote that. These phases come and go, you know. Much Love to you xx
Ah yes I understand. Good thing these are “phases” ! Although sometimes they leave to come back again but we can make through them, we always do Lala ❤️
I love storms. Don’t know exactly why. Just know that being inside when a storm is raging outside makes me feel grateful for being inside–odd, huh?
Oh yes true that Lorna ! You just explained my whole post in one phrase. Love you ! Thanks for reading.
“…only the dead can go with the flow..”
Most of us go with the flow.
May be it’s true Then, most of us are dead inside… ?
Thanks for reading tauseef ! xx
“..only the dead go with the flow…”
That’s how most of us lead their lives.
Oh yeah.. one other thing..
the only other gift i have
for now for you..
is this song..
and sure i gave
it to you once before
and you are familiar
with it.. as you stated
then.. and truly in those
66 months as a tear comes
to my eye now.. this woman
Katy Perry with this song..
is then in 2010.. the only faint
spark of
soul that
this song
brings to me then..
where i am at least
6000 feet underground
and i rise again.. and
she gives me that first
faint spark that brings
my heARt.. spiRit of
ExpresSinG emoTioNS
of heArt back in a
mind and body
balanCinG soUL
once again.. you
are not a wasted
space my dear
your an original
and there is
a Hurricane that
comes with a Rainbow..
and that Lightening bolt
is me.. so yes.. By GOD’s
name Katy Perry is a greATEST
Prophet and Healer greater than
mythical Thoth.. Krishna.. Buddha..
Brighter than the moon and the
star of Jesus and Muhammad..
’cause she found the tool..
yes.. as INSTRUMENT
OF ALLAH NOW TOO..
the healing power.. to
help bring
the Devil
back from Hell..
and i freely admit
I am the Devil friend..
but no more.. ’cause
Katy Perry and so many
others.. including Mr.
Jesus helped
bring
me back
from HELL..
so my mission in Life
is to do the same.. and that
my friend is how the continuous
circle of Angels/Saints
and Devils/Demons
sAMe works..
in a circle
of dark
and light
same as now..
wHeRe we just
each help each
other up
when
we
fall down..
and that my
friend is GOD TOO..
ALL MERCIFUL.. WHO
WILL NEVER EVER SEND
ANYONE TO HELL FOREVER..
AS we are God’s
friends to
help
in this
longterm
endeavor..:)
Love this Ketty Perry song. So motivational plus the music is amazing.
Her new Song
Rise.. Is
My
New theme
Song too..:)
Will listen !
Enjoy..:)
A Girl..
a student of life..
A girl..
an Athletic Girl..
A Girl
who is lonely
and finds a friend..
a stranger on the phone..
A Girl..
a Computer Scientist
in the making..
always good
grades at
the top of the class..
No girl..
anymore..
A 23 year old woman..
married now.. filling the
role that religion and
culture expects
from her..
But it’s
not working..
even a Loving
Caring Husband is not
enough to fill an empty space
within.. but here’s the thing..
humans have never been
cookie cutter things
of culture
and religion..
humans are free
when allowed to
be that way..
And
sometimes
when we move
away
from our gifts
from God we suffer
at the hand of cultures..
religions.. and yes.. even our own
hand that forgets how to be free..
find purpose and meaning..
move freely..
connect freely..
and create something
new and useful for the
rest of the tribe of human
social animals..
so i see this
rather shy
woman sitting in this
Dark Northern European
Foggy place.. much different
than the bright Sun of Pakistan
Land.. an apartment perhaps.. with
this window view.. a walk to the ocean
but still there is something missing..
depression is not truly
moving.. connecting
and creating..
finding.. meaning
and purpose in life..
depression is God’s signal
to us to change for whatever
it is that is our purpose and meaning
in life.. and for you my friend.. apparently
Marriage wasn’t the thing.. as sure it is
enough to fill many women up..
who want children and
to raise a family..
but here’s the other
thing.. throughout history
of humankind.. there has always
been a village of other women and
men to help raise the children along the way..
so here you are.. two nomads.. you and your
husband embarking on this journey alone..
in a new country.. one that is likely
not always welcoming to
you.. particularly
in times of now..
so yes.. i have been listening
close to you.. these two years..
and some four months..
and i remember
most of what
you said..
in stormy mood swings
of up and down.. but now..
at least from what you bring here..
in the last several months.. the mood is all
down.. and truly i am too far away and do not
know and feel enough about your situation still..
to offer you any real concrete kind of help..
i’m not much of one to recommend
psychiatrists to people
with issues of
emotional numbness..
but there are some good therapists
that can help with this issue of numbness
that takes away our motivation to move.. connect
and create.. it is good to see you have enough
pain here of the emotional and
physical kind to
create here and
express your
feelings
of darkness..
but what i’ve noticed
is.. even in your ups and downs
of the past.. you used to connect to
every single person who comes here.. no
matter what.. so yes.. apparently the
depression has even taken
the pleasure out
of that.. but again..
how little i know of you..
as i vaguely even remember
what you look like in your Facebook
photo.. sitting on that bench.. with
the oversize glasses.. looking
shy and
pensive about
the world.. so while
there might be great stigma
in your cultural past in
seeking professional
help for depression..
it might be
worth a try
if you can find
a good therapist..
as you know i’ve suffered with
this issue when i am a little younger
than you now.. and much later in life
for an entire run of 66 months..
and sometimes honestly
even with the best
of help..
and Love from
immediate family
the only answer is to
survive.. and pray for
a miracle.. in whatever
way works for you..
it worked for me..
66 months was
a long to wait..
but the bottom
line is.. i waited
and the answer eventually
came.. and now at age 55..
i’ve never been stronger..
healthier or happier
than now.. in all ways
of moving.. connecting..
and creating.. in fact if i was
anymore happy.. it might be
uncomfortably happy to the point..
where i might sink again.. balance my
friend.. as in all stuff creation.. balance..
finding it and keeping it is the difficult pArt..
but possible.. and yes.. the greaTest lesson
in my life i’ve learned is no matter how dark it
gets from the pit of hell.. heaven is here waiting..
it’s just a matter
of a personal
path and
journey to
work for it..
find it.. and
practice it.. as Lord knows..
now.. we all have to do
this now.. good luck to
you.. i’d really like
to hear back from
you.. but hey.. i..
my friend
LaLa Rukh..
have then..
been to a hell
so deep that
the patience of
Biblical JOB belongs to me..
and that is the greaTesT gift
from God i know.. and FEEL
and perhaps that will be
your destiny as well..
to set you
completely free with
God like me one
now my
friend.. THAT
is the greaTest
prayer and blessing
i could wish for anyone..
to go to hell.. and stay
in heaven always now
after that..
you sound
like you are
pretty close
to hell too..
but yes.. my friend..
the Kingdom of God
in Heaven is here and
just waiting for you to find
it and practice it all your nows now
in moving.. connecting.. creating..
in purpose
and meaning
all
now.. iN
one word
LIVINGNOW..
And yes.. i still Love
you Friend.. and no.. i’m
not really feeling any Love
back from you anymore.. but
hey.. REAL Love is giving.. not
taking.. you give it
to me when i first
get here..
and that’s
enough
for a
Loyal
Friend
Forever..
at least for me..
no matter what
comes in dArk
and Light.. and
ha! no marriage
vows or threats
of death required..
Love is easy
when it
Lives
now..
FREEASLIGHT..:)
You know. when I read this comment of yours, I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I felt. You remember every word I have written so far, every little detail about me. You know me. That’s really amazing. And now I am terrified too, do I spill out so much personal detail here? WOW.
Love you my friend. You are the best person I have here.
http://katiemiafrederick.com/2015/09/07/love-smiles/
Love SMiLes.. my Friend LaLa Rukh.. i don’t mean to brag..
but in my life.. i’ve always been the person with the best memory
in the room.. as conversations in my life prove now and now
again.. i have literally written 11 Million words
since November 26th 2010.. but up
to that point all i did really
is take information in..
and with a Hyperlexic
version of Super
Autism.. with
problems
with
speaking verbal language
it didn’t stop me from eventually
reading 10 to 15 times faster than
the average human being.. typing
around 130 words a minute when
properly focused.. and literally remembering
almost every word i’ve seen in print and every
experience like a color movie in my head.. i can
remember what the shirts i had on are.. at school.. decades
ago.. what a person said with a color movie of their smile.. tears..
or joy.. so not to worry my friend.. i have just been HEAR
by your side as friend.. and i might as well not be
from this planET.. as who else
writes the equivalent of 13.6 bibles
in 5 years.. in epic free verse poetry
and prose style.. leg presses
half a ton 25 times with
arms raised in the
air.. and dances
a martial arts
and ballet style
dance everywhere they go
in Northwest Florida.. to the tune
of 4550 miles now.. since
August of 2013.. around
the time i meet you
here online..
and additionally
have a blog post from
all of 88 rave dances with
college age adults where they
autograph selfies with me to the
tune of 4 to 6 hundred women..
as i stopped
counting at
400..
and yes.. you have written an
incredible amount of detail about your
ups and downs here in your blogs..
and no.. don’t worry.. ’cause in my
experience now the
average human
being
has the attention
span of a gold fish..
as science shows.. and
are mostly interested in what
they are doing.. and pay little to
no real attention to what anyone else
says or does.. either on-line.. at church..
at work.. or anywhere else.. but you see
i am not human like that.. i see it all.. hear
it all.. and since November 26th.. 2013..
write it all too.. so yeah.. guess what
i really am Superman
and i choose you
as a friend..
so sure..
that makes
you special..
but the thing is
not many people
can handle Superman
as a friend.. so usually
Superman
is
all
alone..
but hey
he’s not
really alone
as he remembers
God and God always
Speaks to him and
feels him too..
as God makes
Superman
for a reason
like all God’s
other children..
And Superman
gets to
see more
of it.. do
more of it..
and scribe
more of it..
than most..
and that my friend
is both curse and gift..
i’ve already done the curse
part of it in hell.. well before you
meet me here.. so now Superman
Devil is Superman
Angel..
with
Superman
Love.. so no worries..
you will likely not come
across another person like
me.. as certainly i am
one
of
a kind
like you
too and
everyone
else.. my friend..
if they take the time
and effort to make their
God given potentials REAL..
and if everyone does it with
Love.. there will a lot less terrorist
acts of human being.. wars.. aggression
violence.. and all stuff of human fear and hate..
So what can Superman do about that.. we will see..
huh..
perhaps
we will my
friend before
all i say and do is
done.. in my life or
after.. smiles again..
and sure i Love you..
so many people are afraid
to do that and say it.. and that
is the illness of the world around
us my friend.. a Lack of Love.. a Lack of Love…
and moreover a lack of expresSinG Love in SonG of
human.. the real
Sun
of God
in all God’s
Son’s and Daughters
Love my friend the gift
that
KEEPS
GIVING
AND IN MY CASE
WRITING.. DANCING
SINGING.. AND PUMPING IRON..
OF MUSCLE
OF HEaRT
LEGS..
ARMS
FEET
TOES
AND
HIPS
THAT
DON’T
LIE
WITH
HANDS
FINGERS
IN TYPING
SPEED..
A TsUnAMi
A HuRRicane
A ComET
of Frederick
SpLashing in
an ocean of
Internet words..
iS what this ALL iS..
So sure.. the effects
and affect of me.. will
be around a long tiMe..
with no rust of Trust.. here
at least.. my friend.. LaLa Rukh..
So before i come again.. you can play
this storm alert SonG.. but fear not.. as all
i am
iS Love..;)
And sure.. ‘her name’ is Katrina.. Fred is still coming..:)
http://katiemiafrederick.com/2015/09/16/change-iamsuperman2/
A lovely post:)
Lalaaaa! I missed you!
And here your are writing about sad and dark things.
I really hope you’re well. I pray for you girls you know. You, Maria, Hira…
I hope the night fades into day for you and that you bask in the sunshine of good times.
Not the rain of exhaustion from life.
Take care of yourself and be well 🙂
Sorry to hear the black dog’s been chewing at you again Lala. But maybe you’re close to an answer.
I’m not suggesting suicide of course, but ‘dying’ to your self. The dissolution of self-identification that relieves existential angst. And that frees you to go with the flow. Or does going with the flow free you from the conceit of ‘self’?
You are what you are. That’s all you need to be.
May be you are right. But you know sometimes ‘dying’ is easier that trying not to die.