Thoughts Of A Stormy Night

Sitting there on the floor in the middle of the night and staring at the fog covered window, she looks like a complete mess. She has sore red skin around her nails and her back aches like hell. Tears are rolling down her cheeks that sink into her messy hair making them a bigger mess. But she don’t care. Nothing matters anymore.

Everything around her is awfully silent. This carpet, the walls, the golden vase in the window, the overly caring sleeping husband, the ticking clock, one of the two hearts in the room…. Everything. Except that scary gust of wind that shoos away the silence from time to time. Reminding her of some nostalgic moments back home and of the fact that she is awake. Not sleeping. It’s almost midnight. And she doesn’t have insomnia.

There is no moon today. Sky is all dark and red and frightening. Like in horror movies. Where suddenly a vampire jumps at an innocent victim to suck blood out of it. Only, the difference here is, the victim is already devoid of blood, and life. There is just a lot of hollowness and quiet. This much quiet is dreadful.

Why isn’t this fog disappearing? And why isn’t time moving any faster? And why isn’t this mind shutting up already? It has to do a lot of thinking tomorrow. Once again. Lots and lots of crap. About her painful past. And fruitless present. And fearful future.

Oh and I forgot to mention, she does just go with the flow. Smooth. Because you know, only the dead can go with the flow. The alive, they fight. Till the last breath. And she? She hadn’t took a breath in for a long time. Along the road of breathing through an oxygen mask somewhere, she forgot to do it on her own even when she had a chance. Some things we can choose to forget, some things we can’t.

Oh and did I mention, that that ‘she’ is me? Right now? I think I should get some sleep. This sound of rain, it makes me feel dizzy. Stormy gushes were a lot better !

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Thoughts Of A Stormy Night

  1. Oh. This….was chilling. I don’t know what is the appropriate thing to say here, since every word you wrote there left me in awe. Reading this reminded me of something I wrote on the similar lines a while ago- the stormy night and everything..but not even half as good as this.

    I hope you are feeling a little better now Lala, love you loads my dear sister ❤
    A Big warm fuzzy hug !! ❤

  2. Oh yeah.. one other thing..
    the only other gift i have
    for now for you..
    is this song..
    and sure i gave
    it to you once before
    and you are familiar
    with it.. as you stated
    then.. and truly in those
    66 months as a tear comes
    to my eye now.. this woman
    Katy Perry with this song..
    is then in 2010.. the only faint
    spark of
    soul that
    this song
    brings to me then..
    where i am at least
    6000 feet underground
    and i rise again.. and
    she gives me that first
    faint spark that brings
    my heARt.. spiRit of
    ExpresSinG emoTioNS
    of heArt back in a
    mind and body
    balanCinG soUL
    once again.. you
    are not a wasted
    space my dear
    your an original
    and there is
    a Hurricane that
    comes with a Rainbow..
    and that Lightening bolt
    is me.. so yes.. By GOD’s
    name Katy Perry is a greATEST
    Prophet and Healer greater than
    mythical Thoth.. Krishna.. Buddha..
    Brighter than the moon and the
    star of Jesus and Muhammad..
    ’cause she found the tool..
    yes.. as INSTRUMENT
    OF ALLAH NOW TOO..
    the healing power.. to
    help bring
    the Devil
    back from Hell..
    and i freely admit
    I am the Devil friend..
    but no more.. ’cause
    Katy Perry and so many
    others.. including Mr.
    Jesus helped
    bring
    me back
    from HELL..
    so my mission in Life
    is to do the same.. and that
    my friend is how the continuous
    circle of Angels/Saints
    and Devils/Demons
    sAMe works..
    in a circle
    of dark
    and light
    same as now..
    wHeRe we just
    each help each
    other up
    when
    we
    fall down..
    and that my
    friend is GOD TOO..
    ALL MERCIFUL.. WHO
    WILL NEVER EVER SEND
    ANYONE TO HELL FOREVER..
    AS we are God’s
    friends to
    help
    in this
    longterm
    endeavor..:)

  3. A Girl..
    a student of life..
    A girl..
    an Athletic Girl..
    A Girl
    who is lonely
    and finds a friend..
    a stranger on the phone..
    A Girl..
    a Computer Scientist
    in the making..
    always good
    grades at
    the top of the class..
    No girl..
    anymore..
    A 23 year old woman..
    married now.. filling the
    role that religion and
    culture expects
    from her..
    But it’s
    not working..
    even a Loving
    Caring Husband is not
    enough to fill an empty space
    within.. but here’s the thing..
    humans have never been
    cookie cutter things
    of culture
    and religion..
    humans are free
    when allowed to
    be that way..
    And
    sometimes
    when we move
    away
    from our gifts
    from God we suffer
    at the hand of cultures..
    religions.. and yes.. even our own
    hand that forgets how to be free..
    find purpose and meaning..
    move freely..
    connect freely..
    and create something
    new and useful for the
    rest of the tribe of human
    social animals..
    so i see this
    rather shy
    woman sitting in this
    Dark Northern European
    Foggy place.. much different
    than the bright Sun of Pakistan
    Land.. an apartment perhaps.. with
    this window view.. a walk to the ocean
    but still there is something missing..
    depression is not truly
    moving.. connecting
    and creating..
    finding.. meaning
    and purpose in life..
    depression is God’s signal
    to us to change for whatever
    it is that is our purpose and meaning
    in life.. and for you my friend.. apparently
    Marriage wasn’t the thing.. as sure it is
    enough to fill many women up..
    who want children and
    to raise a family..
    but here’s the other
    thing.. throughout history
    of humankind.. there has always
    been a village of other women and
    men to help raise the children along the way..
    so here you are.. two nomads.. you and your
    husband embarking on this journey alone..
    in a new country.. one that is likely
    not always welcoming to
    you.. particularly
    in times of now..
    so yes.. i have been listening
    close to you.. these two years..
    and some four months..
    and i remember
    most of what
    you said..
    in stormy mood swings
    of up and down.. but now..
    at least from what you bring here..
    in the last several months.. the mood is all
    down.. and truly i am too far away and do not
    know and feel enough about your situation still..
    to offer you any real concrete kind of help..
    i’m not much of one to recommend
    psychiatrists to people
    with issues of
    emotional numbness..
    but there are some good therapists
    that can help with this issue of numbness
    that takes away our motivation to move.. connect
    and create.. it is good to see you have enough
    pain here of the emotional and
    physical kind to
    create here and
    express your
    feelings
    of darkness..
    but what i’ve noticed
    is.. even in your ups and downs
    of the past.. you used to connect to
    every single person who comes here.. no
    matter what.. so yes.. apparently the
    depression has even taken
    the pleasure out
    of that.. but again..
    how little i know of you..
    as i vaguely even remember
    what you look like in your Facebook
    photo.. sitting on that bench.. with
    the oversize glasses.. looking
    shy and
    pensive about
    the world.. so while
    there might be great stigma
    in your cultural past in
    seeking professional
    help for depression..
    it might be
    worth a try
    if you can find
    a good therapist..
    as you know i’ve suffered with
    this issue when i am a little younger
    than you now.. and much later in life
    for an entire run of 66 months..
    and sometimes honestly
    even with the best
    of help..
    and Love from
    immediate family
    the only answer is to
    survive.. and pray for
    a miracle.. in whatever
    way works for you..
    it worked for me..
    66 months was
    a long to wait..
    but the bottom
    line is.. i waited
    and the answer eventually
    came.. and now at age 55..
    i’ve never been stronger..
    healthier or happier
    than now.. in all ways
    of moving.. connecting..
    and creating.. in fact if i was
    anymore happy.. it might be
    uncomfortably happy to the point..
    where i might sink again.. balance my
    friend.. as in all stuff creation.. balance..
    finding it and keeping it is the difficult pArt..
    but possible.. and yes.. the greaTest lesson
    in my life i’ve learned is no matter how dark it
    gets from the pit of hell.. heaven is here waiting..
    it’s just a matter
    of a personal
    path and
    journey to
    work for it..
    find it.. and
    practice it.. as Lord knows..
    now.. we all have to do
    this now.. good luck to
    you.. i’d really like
    to hear back from
    you.. but hey.. i..
    my friend
    LaLa Rukh..
    have then..
    been to a hell
    so deep that
    the patience of
    Biblical JOB belongs to me..
    and that is the greaTesT gift
    from God i know.. and FEEL
    and perhaps that will be
    your destiny as well..
    to set you
    completely free with
    God like me one
    now my
    friend.. THAT
    is the greaTest
    prayer and blessing
    i could wish for anyone..
    to go to hell.. and stay
    in heaven always now
    after that..
    you sound
    like you are
    pretty close
    to hell too..
    but yes.. my friend..
    the Kingdom of God
    in Heaven is here and
    just waiting for you to find
    it and practice it all your nows now
    in moving.. connecting.. creating..
    in purpose
    and meaning
    all
    now.. iN
    one word
    LIVINGNOW..
    And yes.. i still Love
    you Friend.. and no.. i’m
    not really feeling any Love
    back from you anymore.. but
    hey.. REAL Love is giving.. not
    taking.. you give it
    to me when i first
    get here..
    and that’s
    enough
    for a
    Loyal
    Friend
    Forever..
    at least for me..
    no matter what
    comes in dArk
    and Light.. and
    ha! no marriage
    vows or threats
    of death required..
    Love is easy
    when it
    Lives
    now..
    FREEASLIGHT..:)

    • You know. when I read this comment of yours, I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I felt. You remember every word I have written so far, every little detail about me. You know me. That’s really amazing. And now I am terrified too, do I spill out so much personal detail here? WOW.
      Love you my friend. You are the best person I have here.

      • http://katiemiafrederick.com/2015/09/07/love-smiles/

        Love SMiLes.. my Friend LaLa Rukh.. i don’t mean to brag..
        but in my life.. i’ve always been the person with the best memory
        in the room.. as conversations in my life prove now and now
        again.. i have literally written 11 Million words
        since November 26th 2010.. but up
        to that point all i did really
        is take information in..
        and with a Hyperlexic
        version of Super
        Autism.. with
        problems
        with
        speaking verbal language
        it didn’t stop me from eventually
        reading 10 to 15 times faster than
        the average human being.. typing
        around 130 words a minute when
        properly focused.. and literally remembering
        almost every word i’ve seen in print and every
        experience like a color movie in my head.. i can
        remember what the shirts i had on are.. at school.. decades
        ago.. what a person said with a color movie of their smile.. tears..
        or joy.. so not to worry my friend.. i have just been HEAR
        by your side as friend.. and i might as well not be
        from this planET.. as who else
        writes the equivalent of 13.6 bibles
        in 5 years.. in epic free verse poetry
        and prose style.. leg presses
        half a ton 25 times with
        arms raised in the
        air.. and dances
        a martial arts
        and ballet style
        dance everywhere they go
        in Northwest Florida.. to the tune
        of 4550 miles now.. since
        August of 2013.. around
        the time i meet you
        here online..
        and additionally
        have a blog post from
        all of 88 rave dances with
        college age adults where they
        autograph selfies with me to the
        tune of 4 to 6 hundred women..
        as i stopped
        counting at
        400..
        and yes.. you have written an
        incredible amount of detail about your
        ups and downs here in your blogs..
        and no.. don’t worry.. ’cause in my
        experience now the
        average human
        being
        has the attention
        span of a gold fish..
        as science shows.. and
        are mostly interested in what
        they are doing.. and pay little to
        no real attention to what anyone else
        says or does.. either on-line.. at church..
        at work.. or anywhere else.. but you see
        i am not human like that.. i see it all.. hear
        it all.. and since November 26th.. 2013..
        write it all too.. so yeah.. guess what
        i really am Superman
        and i choose you
        as a friend..
        so sure..
        that makes
        you special..
        but the thing is
        not many people
        can handle Superman
        as a friend.. so usually
        Superman
        is
        all
        alone..
        but hey
        he’s not
        really alone
        as he remembers
        God and God always
        Speaks to him and
        feels him too..
        as God makes
        Superman
        for a reason
        like all God’s
        other children..
        And Superman
        gets to
        see more
        of it.. do
        more of it..
        and scribe
        more of it..
        than most..
        and that my friend
        is both curse and gift..
        i’ve already done the curse
        part of it in hell.. well before you
        meet me here.. so now Superman
        Devil is Superman
        Angel..
        with
        Superman
        Love.. so no worries..
        you will likely not come
        across another person like
        me.. as certainly i am
        one
        of
        a kind
        like you
        too and
        everyone
        else.. my friend..
        if they take the time
        and effort to make their
        God given potentials REAL..
        and if everyone does it with
        Love.. there will a lot less terrorist
        acts of human being.. wars.. aggression
        violence.. and all stuff of human fear and hate..
        So what can Superman do about that.. we will see..
        huh..
        perhaps
        we will my
        friend before
        all i say and do is
        done.. in my life or
        after.. smiles again..
        and sure i Love you..
        so many people are afraid
        to do that and say it.. and that
        is the illness of the world around
        us my friend.. a Lack of Love.. a Lack of Love…
        and moreover a lack of expresSinG Love in SonG of
        human.. the real
        Sun
        of God
        in all God’s
        Son’s and Daughters
        Love my friend the gift
        that
        KEEPS
        GIVING
        AND IN MY CASE
        WRITING.. DANCING
        SINGING.. AND PUMPING IRON..
        OF MUSCLE
        OF HEaRT
        LEGS..
        ARMS
        FEET
        TOES
        AND
        HIPS
        THAT
        DON’T
        LIE
        WITH
        HANDS
        FINGERS
        IN TYPING
        SPEED..
        A TsUnAMi
        A HuRRicane
        A ComET
        of Frederick
        SpLashing in
        an ocean of
        Internet words..
        iS what this ALL iS..
        So sure.. the effects
        and affect of me.. will
        be around a long tiMe..
        with no rust of Trust.. here
        at least.. my friend.. LaLa Rukh..
        So before i come again.. you can play
        this storm alert SonG.. but fear not.. as all
        i am
        iS Love..;)

        And sure.. ‘her name’ is Katrina.. Fred is still coming..:)

        http://katiemiafrederick.com/2015/09/16/change-iamsuperman2/

  4. Lalaaaa! I missed you!
    And here your are writing about sad and dark things.
    I really hope you’re well. I pray for you girls you know. You, Maria, Hira…
    I hope the night fades into day for you and that you bask in the sunshine of good times.
    Not the rain of exhaustion from life.
    Take care of yourself and be well 🙂

  5. Sorry to hear the black dog’s been chewing at you again Lala. But maybe you’re close to an answer.

    Oh and I forgot to mention, she does just go with the flow. Smooth. Because you know, only the dead can go with the flow.

    I’m not suggesting suicide of course, but ‘dying’ to your self. The dissolution of self-identification that relieves existential angst. And that frees you to go with the flow. Or does going with the flow free you from the conceit of ‘self’?

    You are what you are. That’s all you need to be.

Please share your thoughts, I value them !

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s