I Am That Little Girl Today…..

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I am the 8 years old me today. Thinking about the time when I was laying in my dark lonely room and when for the first time I cried, not for some childish wish to get fulfilled but with pain… because of intense pain that I felt in my heart. For the first time when I was 8. When I saw one of my brothers sleeping on one arm of my father and the other brother on the other arm. I stood there beside the door staring at them while he told them stories, of fairies and brave commandos till they fell asleep. I stared at his arms and wished for sleeping there for once, only for once but that wish never got fulfilled. Wishes have been abandoned for me since then. Instead of telling my father what I wished for that night, I came to my room and cried. That was my first real encounter with tears. Tears, that have been my friends since I was 8.

And then I remember the time when I was 15. My uncle gifted me a cell phone and I used to send random jokes to my friends when one day I met a wrong number. That wrong number remained a wrong number for me, besides he would talk to me and I would listen. I never knew his real name or who he was or where he lived. What I knew was that he was the one person in my life who would listen to whatever I had to share with him. Every problem, every change in my life, every reality revealed… I would speak and he would listen. He became my one best friend. Back then, I didn’t know that my society don’t understand or accept this kind of friendship. All I knew was that I have got someone who understands me.

And one day my mom caught me texting with him. She read our texts and all that she understood by reading them, was that I was talking to a boy. That was the first time when I got cursed. At the age of 15. My mind will collapse if I’ll try to think about what happened next but all that I remember now, is a miserable me, sitting next to my mother and staring at her lap with a boiling wish of putting my head in there and crying out loud. But I never was able to gather that much courage to do that. I used to crave sharing my matters with her and cry on her shoulder but never got a chance. I wasn’t strong enough to tell them who I am. I was afraid they would abandon me if they’d know the real me.

Every night is a night in hell for me, since then. These nights taught me how to fake emotions and how to wear a smile in public. They taught me how to collapse in the dark and weep till I gather strength to stand up in the day light. I admit, I am emotionally weak and I craved emotional support since I was 8. Yes, I am selfish because I never got expression of love that I wanted and every illusion of love felt real to me since then. I admit that I am hateful because I forget every other thing when a little ray of love strikes my heart. For all my life I have begged for love and care, I have rubbed my heels on broken stones to get a single second of peace and serenity.

I may have done thousands of sins to get a little satisfaction of being cared, but I am not that bad, am I ? Every time I loved, I ended up empty-handed. I am shedding tears in this very room of mine for 14 whole years and I am tired now. I understand that I am hateful and you have every right to hate me. I too hate myself so much that no one can even imagine. I understand that I screw things up for everyone whether it be my parents or the person I love, or the person that I was meant to love. I am tired. If I get to bear the same pain all over again, I would die. And that pain has started consuming me once again. It would have been better if it wouldn’t have gone at all, in the first place.

I really wish memories could be erased just like that…. with a little push on the button of backspace. And I really wish I could sleep one day without the burden of endless regrets, pain and guilt on my shoulders, In tranquility !

 

 

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16 thoughts on “I Am That Little Girl Today…..

  1. Lala…
    I Don’t know if its fiction….
    But if not…then I am sending you a Tight hug…… I dont really know if this fits here.. but I’d still like to share it with you.
    Even i end up doing some or the other wrong or a problem situation for my loved ones as if I am a trouble magnet. But You know why i survive Each and every one?
    It’s because after i am done correcting it or apologising for it. I LET IT GO!
    I dont know if its possible in your case but if it is… then try it out on my insistence.
    May god give you the strength.
    Very beautifully written peace.

    • It is not fiction my friend every word of it is real. I appreciate you advice Kalyani, letting go of things is the wise thing to do but you know sometimes you can’t forget some things that had an influence on your whole personality. These memories are like this for me. You are just a sweetheart to wish all that nice for me and trust me, you don’t create problems for your loved ones. Don’t think like that. Thanks once again for your support. I love you ❤

  2. First of all your post was amazing, your expression was spell bounding. Secondly it makes me wonder what an untrained and ill equipped adult could do to a normal trusting teenager. I am sure many of us could relate to this in our own different ways.

  3. This was a a very blunt piece and I enjoyed reading your mind here. 🙂
    P.S. I am lolling at the responses of others. I don’t know why people feel that every creative writing is supposed to be a tragedy , specifically experienced by the writer.

    • Well..speaking for myself and no one else here..as my comment was certainly one of the nature you address here..some of us have been following along with her tragic stories of her life…

      And we recognize when she hurts….

      it’s called cognitive empathy….
      and no..

      it’s no longer apparent that many folks have it…in many countries…

      that is….

  4. Again… i would say that you might try to hate yourself and you may create an illusion that you hate yourself… but a person who craves for love that much… cannot hate anyone… 🙂
    All the best 🙂

  5. Girls are suppose to be sensitive and emotional dear. They are delicate and innocent and they need to be loved. Like you said your parents did love you but not enough well it happens when you are older responsibilities increase and well now they(your parents) got to look after your brothers too. Before that you were the only child and you enjoyed that time. Right?

    I am not saying when you are elder you do not need love you do but as your mother is busy with two rascals you should ask for love remind her you are there and you need as much love as before. You take the first step. Hug her randomly, share things, hug your daddy, make something for them.

    They might we thinking that you do not give them much time now. People need reminder dear even parents.

    And that thing about wrong no. well try to avoid that wrong no. is a wrong no.
    Be patience you will get your right number and that will be a perfect for you. InshaAllah
    And one thing more and most important, no one to talk to talk to God. He is always there, always listening. With Him there you do not need any wrong no.

    Best of Luck with you life.

  6. So sad and my heart hurts so much for you as the answer is so simple…

    SACREDLove your DAUGHTERS as your sons…!

    AND TEACH YOUR SONS HOW TO SACREDLOVE!

    So simple…

    And truly the CORE message that both Yeshua AKA JESUS and MUHAMMAD have to cure the suffering of the world..in cold hearts desperate for SACREDLOVE CONNECTION…!

    WHY! WHY! WHY!

    CANNOT WOMEN BE SACREDLOVED AND VALUED LIKE MEN…!

    Well..a vicious cycle it is…

    AND NO..!

    NOT!
    only in your country..!

    ANYWHERE STRONG PATRIARCHY EXISTS…!

    WOMEN ARE CONSIDERED CATTLE AND MEN ARE CONSIDERED HUMAN….

    and to put it bluntly!

    Women are seen MOSTLY WANTED for sex..and to carry children..particularly sons..and that’s about all….BEYOND making a home that is clean with FOOD!AND NOW in the US sharing the WORKLOAD outside of home too!

    YES! as SINGLE MOTHERS TOO!

    AND YES!2!

    i always wanted acceptance and love from my father..i didn’t even need a hug..or to rest on his arm…

    AND YES! HE IS GONE NOW..!PASSED AWAY A FEW WEEKS AGO!

    And GUESS WHAT!

    TRULY IT TOOK ME 53 YEARS…TO TRULY ACCEPT ME..AS IS..AND BECOME MY OWN FATHER WHO LOVES ME AND FIND GOD AKA ALLAH WITHIN ME..TO EVER BE FREE! AND TRULY SACRED LOVE ALL OTHERS..WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE..NEVER DOMINATING! ALWAYS HUMBLE! ALWAYS SACREDLOVING! OTHERS..!SAME AS ME…!

    My advantage greater than any other..in life..

    IS! the SACREDLOVE of my Mother…

    Kind and affectionate always to me..never with any limited expectation or limits ever at all..

    ME! i CAN! AND WILL BE FREE!

    AND YES i AM NOW!

    i direct a play of myself on the Internet..

    Sometimes acting the strong one..

    But if you ever meet me in real life..

    And look me in the eye..

    YOU WILL know AND MAYBE FEEL! the SACREDlove i feel for you..!

    IS simply unconditionally…TRUE!

    THE SACRED LOVE..!

    NOT THE LOVE FOR WANT!
    THE SACREDLOVE DESIRING!
    ONLY!
    TO LIFT THE OTHER one UP!

    WITH
    ALLAH
    AKA
    GOD!
    THE ONE
    THAT
    IS
    ALLITIS!

    But IT IS ALSO! the SACREDLOVE!

    i have for me..!

    and

    Allah
    aka
    god
    aka
    ALLITIS!

    who
    lives

    within
    ME….!

    SACREDLOVEISALLITIS….!

    BUT I CANNOT GIVE THAT TO YOU..

    THE SEARCH FOR YOU GOES ON…

    WITHIN
    YOU

    2…!

    SACREDLOVE YOU..!

    AND I’LL KEEP PRAYING FOR YOU..!

    And talking to you…!

    and
    never ever giving up on you..2..!

    AS
    YES!
    i
    am
    your
    FRIEND..:)
    UNCONDITIONALLY!
    IN
    SACREDLOVE!

    • oh wait… please excuse me !! that wasnt about men and women not being equal for gods sake !! my parents love all of us equally. it was about me being the elder one and about my parents thinking that i have grown up and i should get a seperate room…. when i was at that age where my brothers were at that time, i used to sleep on the tummy of my father. i was trying to say that i was sensitive at that age and i needed their love then more.
      i dont know what type of thinking do you have about the eastern countries and our culture but trust me, their is nothing like injustice between girls and boys rights or love given to them. please clear your minds.

      • Well..I can only respond to your words of what you say.. And I am sorry I am misunderstanding you here..and thank you for your clarification on your family home .. But with bride burning and 90 percent of infanticides comprising females in that growing human rights problem I can’t say we can gloss over the problems that do exist.. And truly love not expressed is love that does not exist.. In any human relationship…

  7. I have somewhat of a same story, and trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel. I usually get upset about how many more people go through exactly what I’ve been through and I just don’t want them to go through it because it’s just so painful. I don’t even know what to say. Just get better, okay?

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