Because I had to write this.

I think of those times when passion was defined by writing, in my dictionary. When words flew off the alphabet grid and combined themselves in my cluttered mind to form tales, all fake as well as real. When all I had to struggle with was life and depression, and pain. When I had companions to read my tales and to hug me with words. When I used to feel love coming out of a small robotic machine. And when…. I had him to stand beside my side. No matter how hard the time came, no matter what happened…. My faith in him never got lowered.

And here I am, now, struggling with words to arrange them in some decent manner but they are flying randomly in front of my eyes. Catching them up and sewing them here seems difficult. I have lost my passion, I have lost myself. I wasted my whole life running for the things that came and then faded away…. in fact were snatched away from my hands. I never had the idea that this same phenomena is going to happen with those things too, that happened to everything in my life before. Like someone let you smell the elixir of euphoria and take it away before you drink it. The taste, you can feel it but can’t really taste it !!

You know I used to wear masks on my face to hide my pain from the world. While doing that, my true self was left hidden from me. All those years I was a fake being for people and I never knew when I became fake for myself too. And I never knew life would unveil my true self in front of my eyes like this….. I look in the mirror and all I can see now is a psychotic selfish ugly faced bitch ! Β Some people are born bad… No matter how hard they try to look good from outside, they are meant to be bad at the end. They say nature can never be changed.

Love took me to the heights. When I reached there, I found no path to continue going up. I was stuck there, at a certain point at a certain height and when you can’t find a way forward, you have to go back. Hate is what dashed me to the grounds. Hatred…for my own self. I am no one…. I am just that one person who destroys everyone’s life claiming that he is doing the right thing. That one person who is sent as a punishment for others and has no other aim.

My tears and pain about which I once used to write poems are meaningless to me now. An emptiness flows through my veins and I don’t know what to do. I am lost. I guess that’s how life turns out for ‘my’ kind of people.

And yeah I am sorry you have to read this bullshit. I am just so sorry….

 

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27 thoughts on “Because I had to write this.

  1. Hey thats how I feel about myself!
    I am a total loser and I also think that my purpose her is to make the lives of people around me a Hell!!

    That’s isn’t helping right? πŸ˜‰

    So here it goes. Try your best, Give your best and pray to God to help you. We never know when me think we a burden a punishment we might me somebody’s only reason to live.

    So, be happy and believe in yourself. You are not ugly you only think that because that is how you feel inside. Do not compare yourself to other. You are perfect in your own way.

    xoxoxo

  2. I’ve been writing for five years, and I took a few breaks, which totaled about 2 years. My most recent one was all of 2013. Writing takes a lot of emotional energy, and I had a lot of health problems, so I couldn’t write. It just wasn’t there. But the beautiful thing about writing is that inspiration can come back. So if you need to take a break, the metaphorical pen and paper will be waiting for you πŸ™‚ We all have a darker side to us, it’s part of being human. It’s usually the good people that worry about being horrible people. I’ve never once seen a bully stop and ponder their thoughts or actions XD To a certain extent we are all born with a given temperament. We process the world in a given way, and it’s really hard to change that. I know for me I have very strong emotions, so I try to remove myself from bad situations before I start to spiral. And I’m a former anorexic as well, so I struggle with those demons on a consistent basis. All we can do is just try to be the best version of ourselves. We will mess up from time to time, but I think people that really care about us will understand that. I hope you feel better soon and find your inspiration to write πŸ™‚

  3. Be blessed, Lala.
    And don’t hate yourself. It’s Ramadan, make use of that and try to find peace. I know that this may be sounding corny, but really, I just so genuinely get upset when you get upset and I just want you to be happy.
    Take care of yourself, really.

    • You are right Hiba, I am fighting my ways in Ramadan . I hope I get to walk on the right one. Don’t be upset for me, I am fine πŸ™‚ Love you so much for caring for me and loving me. You too take lots of care πŸ™‚ Stay blessed !

  4. Well…first of all, I didn’t HAVE to read your post. I chose to read it. I’m sorry you feel this way Lala…I pray you find peace with yourself and a way to love yourself again. You know you would never tell someone you love the things you have said to yourself. The self voice gremlins are playing havoc with you sweetheart and you shouldn’t let them. I’m glad you opened up and shared your feelings and thoughts on here. I find if I sit down and make a list of all the things I am grateful for (no matter how mundane) it makes those days a little easier to bare. We all have days when we are in such pain but I hope you find joy again soon because you are worth it! πŸ™‚

    • First of all, I Thank you with all my heart for such an overwhelming response. Loved reading your thoughts and encouragement and support. You are right, may be the self voice is playing with my head and I should not have to let it do that. And yes if we make a list of things we should be grateful for, we will never think about the bad things ever I guess πŸ™‚ Love you so much for reading my stupid thoughts Mam, I value your visit here πŸ™‚ Love xx

  5. What you talked about is hating yourself because you loved someone… I think no one can do it… hate is a very mild emotion if compared to love… u can’t hate yourself if you have experienced love… πŸ™‚ (personal opinion, although i haven’t experienced any of that… so i might be wrong)

  6. It’s not beautiful and it’s not bullshit. The way you have expressed it is great though, and if I could comment on the words I loved the way they fixed themselves here.
    But. I think I could never have found myself so related to your words before like I do now.
    Apart from that, well, I hope you find your way. You feel you are lost but there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I hate these quotes myself but I still know yehi hota hae. Hamesha. Inna ma’al usri yusra!

    • Thank you Maria for still finding out something out of my writing for appreciation. You can relate to my words ? This is not good. I would never want you to face the same what I am facing these days.
      You are right, I just have to wait for the light to get visible for me at the end of tunnel. Love you for such beautiful encouragement Maria πŸ™‚ Take care !

  7. Well..actually it’s not so much that folks are born bad..whatever that is..but it can be more that folks do not feel love from others..delaying their ability to feel love for themselves..but there is always time for change..but it takes WILL..there are no gifts in life..for free…truly..Crosses of pain..are here for a reason..and i feel for your sadness..emptiness..and self loathing too..

    Been there done it..
    but i know
    there
    is
    always room of change..

    and yes..
    sometimes
    miracles
    too..
    in that same BIG ROOM….

    If one never gives up..
    And
    keeps believing..
    whether or not
    they can feel
    the
    passion
    or
    not…

    It can
    and
    DOES
    COME
    BACK..:)
    ANYWAY..
    MY prayers are with ya friend..
    AS ya helped me to fully
    regain my PASSION FOR LIFE
    BACK..
    last Summer..
    SO NAH..
    i ain’t gonna give up on ya…
    ever….
    that’s just the way..
    i
    am:)
    and i’ll take ya as a friend
    whatever way ya are now…2
    lovexx

    • You are right my friend, there is always a room for change and self loving comes with time. I don’t know what is going to happen next, to my hate for my self but I guess if I will remain between you people you will teach me how to love once again πŸ™‚ Hope you are doing fine πŸ™‚ Love xx

  8. Dearest Lala,
    Please My Friend no apologies needed. Your words are Not Bullshit!
    I’m compassionate to your loss of Passion within. More importantly how you view yourself. Darlin It Is Never to Late to reach within and stop yourself from the negative hurtful words you use towards yourself. Please My Friend start loving Lala because She Is Beautiful Inside and Out! When you least expect it, Love will be presented to you! Deep True Love is a journey that grows. Please remember it takes 2 people to engage in a relationship, and I find it hard to believe that You destroy all those around you.
    Sending you Love to Heal the Pain within.
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia

    • My dear friend, your words always come as a light for me. Thank you for such beautiful encouragement and support. You are probably right, it is never too late to stop ourselves from going on the negative paths…I am trying and with your help I guess I will learn how to love once again. Your love is all that I want to heal πŸ™‚ Thanks once again for spreading such love ! Take care. Love you.

  9. I’d hug you so tight right now in a warm embrace and pick you up to tell you how beautiful you are, don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

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