Your Thoughts ?

With that same old empty mind and heart, I sit here again and write. No specific topic in mind and no idea how long or short my words can weave this thread. I don’t know this connection, I can never understand it. The connection of my heart with your words. They say you always learn when you sit back and listen to the silence. Β They say it right. This sheer silence tears up my mind… The echo of fan piercing through the calmness of summer afternoon tells me tales…. Tales that are weird, unimportant but very interesting.

Happiness, contentment….. the two things I wanted the most throughout my life. I got them…. I was a cry baby, as you know it, when I left you guys almost three months ago. In these three months I enjoyed the most happiest moments of my life….. My world turned upside down but guess what ? The down side was not that bad. It was good… It pleasured me with the most exciting tastes. I am happy with the guy my parents chose for me….. The nightmares I used to see are gone.

But…I am afraid to share my feelings right now with you. You’ll judge me wrong. I am happy but still, I feel the need of writing in distress, In the saddest hours. Life is going good…. at least for now. My past is still with me but I have learnt to live the present. I’ll share these tales some other time.

A weird thing has started happening to me. After a week or so, In the nights I have severe depression and panic attacks. I cry out loud and I don’t know why does it happen and I feel like I am drowning in darkness or something, I don’t actually understand the feeling. My mind pricks me and this condition lasts for an hour or so and the dies. I don’t know why it happens but it is severe and painful. Do anyone of you has any idea why does it happen or what it is ?


31 thoughts on “Your Thoughts ?

  1. Oh wow Lala, you’re back! Actually, even I haven’t been blogging for quite long, because exams. Infact, my exams are still going on. I’m glad that you’re happy, and I was kind of worried before you wedding that you might stop blogging, but well, you didn’t.:)
    And, Lala, stop crying, or else even i’ll start crying.

  2. After a week or so, In the nights I have severe depression and panic attacks.

    Has that been happening after you’ve slept for an hour or so then woken up?

    They reckon that during REM sleep (i.e. when you’re dreaming) mind is sorting and reorganising memories. Memories aren’t statically laid down in the brain like they are on a computer disk, they are constantly being recalled, modified and rewritten.

    Some cognitive psychologists believe that extreme emotions have profound and often dysfunctional effects on how memory is stored and recalled (hence suppressed trauma memories and PTSD flashbacks).

    So it makes sense that if you are recovering from a very emotional period your memories of emotional trauma would be reorganising into less dysfunctional, painful ways. This would mostly happen during REM sleep. So if the memories being dealt with are painful you could find yourself waking up in a highly emotional state.

    If you’re waking up anxious and depressed you could try keeping a pad and pen next to your bed and writing down whatever memories seem to come up – especially if you can remember anything of a dream you may have just had. It might tell you something about what it is you are still having trouble coming to terms with.

  3. Long story short, good to have you back here.
    Second, no one’s here to judge. Everyone is too busy fearing other people judging them. So, no worries. πŸ™‚
    “One thing that I do want to make clear is that you may perceive me whatever from my writings, but I still have the same struggles as the next person. I want to embrace the challenges that I face every day without the fear of being judged, and in return, I promise to do the same for you.” Just posted this on my new blog, Vibrant Mirage, about me page.

    Last but not least, congratulations and wish you all the best.

  4. I don’t know… I wish I had something useful to say but I can only send my best wishes and prayers for you..<3
    Plus. Whatever fears make their roots deep inside a person, need to be confronted.

    Oh and nobody's judging anybody. The BEST, best part about you is that you write freely. Maintain it! πŸ™‚
    Lotsa love.

  5. I’m glad you found happiness in what you once saw as a depressing event. It makes me smile that your parents chose well for you. I’m sorry you’re experiencing anxiety and periods of stress. I hope you find your peace soon, Lala!

  6. So good to here more happiness from you and so glad that your husband is the good guy that you deserve so much!

    i did have panic attacks after a long chronic stressful period…back in 2008.. one of which landed me in the hospital as i seriously thought i was dying….

    Panic attacks are considered by scientists to be associated with stress hormones in the body that are not consumed or as some folks word it ‘burned off’ movement AKA exercise…

    The process responsible is called the human fight or flight response..per stress response..and when a person neither physically fights or escapes the situation..
    the result is like a switch of light of adrenaline charged fuel for the heart and respiratory system that cannot be turned off by mind alone….

    However..when a person is exhausted further ..even exercise can cause more stress..when the stress response is exhausted so in this case the only way to move ahead is to rest and when the body recovers..the panic attacks may go away..

    Considering the amount of stress you seemed to be under most of last year..
    a lead toward what is described as human exhaustion would not be surprising to me at all…there are human limits for all of some point..per our physiological limitations..dependent on each individual’s capabilities..for enduring stress..

    But the key to to understand it is likely just a physiological condition..that will pass as all challenges do..eventually…in life…

    Any persistent worry over it ..per additional stress response..may only exacerbate the physical health issue…if one is leaning toward the condition of human exhaustion….

    Stress is cumulative..and it takes awhile to turn around a titanic of stress..for any human being…:)

    I don’t know why i quit getting email notifications on your posts..but will check back frequently to see when you post here on your site..lovexx..:)

    • First of all thank you friend for your beautiful wishes. I thank you for such a detailed response about your situation back then…. Reading that, I was able to understand mine in a more clear way. I don’t think I am taking any kind of stress these days but I guess it is the stress I took for the past few years bothering me.
      Hope it stops soon.
      Thanks so much for the feedback πŸ™‚ Love xx

      • As i’m sure ya know..Allah creates a Universe of all matter that dances together..from the milky way that swirls the stars together in orbit of golden spiral..

        To the Hurricane in wind and moisture droplets that swirl this way..

        To the human fetus and sleeping cat that is curled this way…

        And.. as small as we see technology aided watching the electrons flow around the nucleus of an atom..

        But ya see..
        humans are the similar creation of Allah still..but still they should be moving in Sacred Love of Allah like this…INSTEAD OF still or imprisoned movement only in a straight line of hell…

        When the body moves in balance in golden spiral with arms and legs moving in tandem in a Universe of own..360 degrees in all dimension of human space..

        We become one with Allah as true UNI VERSE with ‘H i’m”

        H I AM
        Two ones joined as ONE
        Mind and body becomes complete
        as ONE with ALLAH!

        i am always in bliss in mind and body..
        as this is how i move ALL WAYS through now..

        In ballet..TAI CHI like movement.. instead of prison of sidewalks as illusion in prison.. designed by others to imprison Allah in us instead of being FREE instinctuALLy.. Flowing letting IT ALL GO WITH ALLAH AS ONE! roadblocks are sometimes severe in restricted countries.. as there are many teachers there waiting to show ya how to do GAIN BLISS..

        AND NEVER EXPERIENCE ILLUSORY FEAR..again ONE NOW..which is fear other than falling or loud noises…as such…

        But in my opinion.. the best structured way to start..if ya haven’t already tried it..

        IS TAI CHI..if there isn’t a teacher..perhaps there is a DVD ya can buy to watch and practice at home when ya are cleaning around your home..or cooking..or such as that..

        One can incorporate this as a way of life..

        But don’t know if ya could get away with it in general i do as i can tell folks it’s part of my religion or accommodation for back problems..and they legALLy MUST reasonably accommodate my freedom to do this when i am shopping with my wife…

        But now as it seems you are probably taking care of a home..instead of in school in static position working on a computer..which is probably the worst thing in the gain this balance of mind and body with Allah..

        You may have more freedom at home to do this in your spare time to pursue it..

        if you decide to do so…

        i truly think it can heal so much of any discord and even almost anyone…

        As ya know i had 19 medical disorders..and people see me as martial artist..professional dancer..and all of that now…

        i never had a lesson though..

        It is instinctuALLY a gift that Allah gives to US ALL..

        just the illusion of culture…th@IS ALL….

        And the other creates dance first of matter in Golden Spiral..but sound and music follows to inspire and FUEL DANCE as sound is energy like LIGHT!

        And then finally there is the written word recorded to help ALL folks find middle way of balance of light and dark and positive and negative..for eternal flow of BLISS in letting Allah and human go as ONE IN BLISS…IN ONE ENERGY OF ALLAH..IN SACRED LOVE!

        So that is what we do here..dear..we share a way to BLISS with ALLAH in poetry of SACRED LOVE FOR ALL OTHERS..GLOBALLY AS SUCH…



        the dream becomes…


        Love you more for inspiring these words..Lovely friend..Lala…
        yOurs too..flowing with Allah…alWays..


        And yes of course this will be my next blog post..;)

        thanks again to you messenger friend…as ONE


  7. First of all congratulations my beautiful sister! I am so glad to hear you have found happiness!!!!!! You are a beautiful soul that deserves to finally have happiness. I am stoked that it’s that happiness that brought you back to us! As far as the other thing I don’t have an answer for you, sorry, but you will be in my continued prayers! God bless!

  8. Oh my, I am so sorry to hear about your nightly difficulties. And you know what, I really don’t know what to tell you my dear. I have undergone bouts of severe depression and had panic attacks at times when I was pregnant. However, I don’t know what to tell you except that I will pray for you. I know how tough it can be.
    On another not, congratulations on your marriage. I am so happy that you are happy with the man your parents chose for you. You are entering into a whole new phase and stage of your life. Just always remember that love is a verb. It’s not something we always feel, but it’s a continuous choice. May you and your husband be thoroughly blessed.
    p.s. you write beautifully, even when you feel you don’t have much to say.

    • Hey Stacilys ! Thanks so much for such a lively response ! I appreciate you taking out time to share thoughts with me.
      I felt sad to read about your panic attacks and depression I guess everyone has to face them at some stage of their life.
      Thanks so much for your nice wishes and prayers πŸ™‚ Love this wise advice on love from you πŸ™‚
      I am honored to have you here beautiful lady ! Love you loads !

      • Awwww, you’re so sweet. I really enjoy your blog. You are an amazing writer. I know it has been a while since you’ve been blogging, but the stuff I’d read from before is just awesome.

        Actually, come to think of it. I was nominated to take part in a writing meme and part of that is to nominate 3 others to do so too. I would love to nominate you to participate in this Writing Process Blog Meme as well.
        Maybe it can be a way for you to start up again. Who knows, what do you think?

        If you accept my nomination, you will need to write an article prompted by the following four questions and post it on your blog on Monday, May 5th, 2014. You’ll also nominate three writers of your choice to post their articles on their blogs on May 12, 2014. The four questions:

        What am I working on at the moment?
        How does my work differ from others of its genre?
        Why do I write what I do?
        How does my writing process work?

        I’d be honored if you would accept this nomination. Please let me know ASAP so that I can feature your blog in my post on April 28, 2014. Plus, I need to know so that, if you should choose not to participate, I can choose some one else.

        I would use your About Me Profile information to let my viewers know more about you, if you don’t mind.

        Thank you! I really hope you decide to try this. I would be honored to showcase your beautiful blog.


  9. Write what you like
    We may hate it or dislike
    Don’t you care
    Write what your heart feels
    Let your soul peel
    Don’t you fear
    Write what is right
    may be heavy, could be light
    Write, just write my dear

  10. Glad to hear things are looking up for you. Sounds like post-traumatic stress that you haven’t let go of from the past. It’s easy to hold onto grief and let it devour your soul, but it’s much harder to let go and move on with your life.

    • You sound so right brother may be yes, that’s what is happening to me. Thanks so much for your wise response and thanks for taking out time to share your thoughts. Love you !

  11. First of all, its good to know that you are “happily” married now… for the depression part, maybe you are trying to be more happy than you want to… for people… (I am sorry if I commented too much as I do not have any idea about the past that you referred to) πŸ™‚

    • Hey Harshad ! Hope you are doing fine. Thank you for such a kind response.
      Your words that may be you are trying to be more happy for the others strikes me… May be yeah I am trying to be happy for the others and suppressing my own emotions may be that’s why they find a way to come out with time.
      Thanks anyway for your interest in my stupid problems πŸ™‚ Love you !

      • πŸ™‚ I am happy to read you after a long time.. Stupid problems… πŸ™‚ again a dialogue comes… because we behave stupid sometimes… problems are created… otherwise… there is nothing simpler than life…:) Love you too!!

  12. You may have been holding in too much over the years, keeping it all bottled up and your mind is probably clearing out, at least. That’s what I think anyways πŸ™‚

    • Hey andy ! It’s a pleasure to see you here. Thanks for your wise response. Yeah may be my mind is just trying to clearing out πŸ™‚ Hope you are doing fine ! Love xx

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